drabbles

on if you know me irl you don't

What is meaningful to you, asked thoughtlessly during a mental health lesson, and all I could think was oh, isn't that a dangerous question.

I want a life of my own making. I want to build up a world for me with my own two hands, one that's not perfect but right. I want to taste those addictive highs of freedom, want to stand in the middle of an unfamiliar place and hear my heartbeat in my ears knowing I could go wherever I want to go.

I want to be free.

I want a small apartment filled with soft colours and objects, with things I bought with my own money that make me smile whenever I see them. I want to fill my home with reminders of what makes life worth living, with photos capturing cherished memories and hand-sewn plushies and lots and lots of hoodies.

I want to spend an entire afternoon out with my laptop, typing away like I am now. I want to sit in a cafe and spend hours drinking the same cup of tea, or idly linger in the corner of a library with a weathered book, engrossed in the riveting plot.

I want to go to a concert, want to experience the feeling of my heart pumping to the beat, want to know that tingle that fills you as you sing along with thousands of people and just generally enjoy the loose atmosphere. I want to kiss someone, want to fall in love (and fall out of love, if need be).

I want to help more people, want to overcome that sense of you're just doing it to look nice in front of who you're with and help someone without the clinging shadows tainting the happiness that comes with it. I want to donate my own money. I want to be in control of who I associate with and offer help to.

I want to make my own choices. I want to look at the world and think, this isn't so bad.

But that doesn't sound pretty and I can't exactly divulge that to twenty sets of staring eyes, so I just hesitate for a minute, fishing for the right words, and settle on "I want to live my own life."

The attention is directed away from me again, and somehow it feels simultaneously like a sigh of relief and a twinge of disappointment.