Trophy Wife

Friendship

It had been days since the conference and social media was loving me more than I had expected. They were praising me and my honesty, saying I am a great girl, saying I was not just beauty but I was brains and compassion. They claimed I was nothing like most of the people Kevin had ever been with. I was happy to know being myself had won me a few people but I wasn't happy about the fact that this life I had to live had to include a number of people I didn't even know.

Today was the day Kevin and I could go and find out the gender of the baby but I have been procrastinating it and I did not want to tell Kevin why. Today he even took a day off and did not want a no for an answer which is why we had been going back and forth about it.

"Oh come on, why not?" Kevin asks again.

"Because I'm sure I'm having a son okay?" I said out of annoyance.

"But you won't know until you actually know and a lot of people are waiting for a gender reveal." He says shrugging with enthusiasm. It could have been the hormones or the fact that I was already in defense that made me raise my voice at his statement.

"I don't give a fuck! They are just gonna have to wait and see like everybody else. My baby is a boy and I'm fucking sure if it!" Kevin was caught off guard by my sudden explosion but he was more curious about why I was so defensive.

I have never cussed at Kevin before, I have told him I hated him many times but I have never called him words like he did to me. Because I'm a descent human being, I never said foul things to people I care about because unlike they did to me, I did not want them to feel what I felt.

"Okay okay we don't have to go but is it a problem if it's a girl?" Kevin asks out of curiosity.

"No because I'm sure it's not, let's just drop this issue!" I replied again defensively.

"Fiona, do you not want our baby to be a girl?" He asks.

"I didn't say that." I replied.

"Fiona." Kevin calls out to me but I try to ignore him. "Fiona speak to me. Fion-"

"Because she's gonna be like me okay? I made stupid decisions and now I can't afford to live and I have to live in a family that is not afraid to tell me they don't want me!" I exploded again, tears started falling from my eyes as I thought about my life.

The pain I had to endure not just from my family but from every guy I've ever liked hurting and using me. Only wanting to bed me, trying to prove to people that I was stupid just because of my looks. Boys never have that.

"Fiona.." Kevin started taking steps towards me to comfort me.

"No, Kevin. I've never told you about my family because I never had one. I was physically and emotionally abused all my life for existing and the only thing I wanted was a perfect family. To be married and in love but instead I got pregnant just like my mother. I paid for my mother's mistakes so now my child would pay for mine and I don't want her to go through that. The things your mom says about me are the same things I have been told over and over my- my own mother and I c-can't.. I don't... I don't wanna be that.." I started breaking up losing the battle I had been having with my feelings for years.

I had been hiding my feelings and hiding how much it hurt to exist. I had been holding on to something I didn't know what it was, my first mistake was existing, being out on this earth now I was being punished for it. Kevin's hands wrapped around me in a hug as I cried like I used to when I was young. When I had no hope but to ball up into the corner of my room and silently let myself cry out of pain. Praying for some miracle.

I wish everyone was nicer, gentler and more understanding but this is the world, and dare I say it's true that money doesn't always bring you happiness. It brought me more misery.