MENDED

five

saylor

FLASHBACK
SAYLOR: 25 YEARS OLD

as i cooked, i had a blank facial expression. i had what seemed like a million thoughts racing through my mind, but i could hardly focus on even just one. i was barely paying attention to what i was doing. as i have been all day, i was just on autopilot. i was just going through the motions.

i barely recognized the sound of the door to my apartment opening. i didn't look over at it.

"i'm home," amari muttered as he took his shoes off by the door.

i didn't respond, as i was still zoned out.

"hello? earth to saylor," amari walked over and waved his hand in front of my face. he snapped as he got my attention.

"sorry," i mumbled as i blinked a few times. i looked up at him. "how was work, baby?"

"fucking terrible," he rolled his eyes as he stepped back and started to take off his tie. he was clearly frustrated as he fumbled with it.

"i'm sorry," i frowned. "dinner is almost ready. after we eat, we can—" i started to suggest, but he cut me off.

"i'm not hungry. i ate not too long ago."

my brows furrowed. "i wish you would've told me that before i cooked..."

"i didn't know you were going to cook tonight," he ran his hand down his face.

"you know i pretty much always cook."

he sighed. "whatever. i'm going to go get a shower."

i didn't respond as he walked off towards our bedroom. i let out a huff of air as i threw my head back and pinched my eyes shut. i then let out a deep exhale before i finished cooking.

i got me a plate of food, but i only got a small amount. there was still plenty left in the pot, since i cooked for two. i sat at the counter, and i set my plate in front of me.

once again, i just sat there with an emotionless, blank face. i didn't take a single bite of my food. i eventually just put my plate away, and i cleaned the kitchen up.

by the time i finished and got in bed, amari was getting out of the shower. he walked over, and he got into the bed as well. when i didn't immediately move closer and cuddle up with him, like i always do, he furrowed his brows.

"are you upset that i didn't eat what you cooked?" he asked. "if it matters that much to you, i can go try and eat—"

"i don't care, mari," i mumbled as i cut him off.

he sighed. "what is it then? something's wrong."

i shook my head. i didn't say anything for a few moments. "i'm going to sleep."

before i could turn over, away from him, he grabbed my shoulder. "hey, stop that. talk to me. what's wrong, my love?"

i stared at him. slowly, my eyes started to tear up. "today makes thirteen years since—" i stopped as i got choked up. "since he left."

i watched as his face dropped. "fuck, i didn't realize that, that was today," he frowned. he started to pull me closer to him. "come here, baby."

i tucked my head under his chin, and i clung onto him as i let the tears flow. my body shook as he held me closely and tried his best to comfort me.

amari is the only person i've ever told about the night that arlo left. i've told miguel about arlo leaving, but amari is the only one i've told about letting arlo leave that night and lying for him; telling mom and dad that i had no idea about it. that i've had to act for years like i had only woke up to find him gone. he's the only one who knows that i had the chance to stop arlo, but didn't.

"it's my fault," i sobbed into his chest. "if i would've just—"

"it's not your fault," he was quick to deny. "i promise, it wasn't. there isn't anything you could've done."

"but i just let him leave," my voice cracked. "if i would've told our parents that night, he would still— he wouldn't have left."

"you didn't let him. he made the decision to leave, not you. it isn't your fault."

i didn't say anything else as i continued to sob into his chest. he still tried his best to comfort me, but i was having a hard time letting myself be comforted. i didn't feel that i deserved it, since i just let my own brother leave like that, never to return again.

"i just miss him so much," i whimpered. "i think about him all the time."

"i know, baby," he murmured.

it was clear he didn't know what else to say or how else to comfort me. regardless of the fact that our relationship has been on the rocks for a while now, i was happy and appreciative of the fact that he was here for me and was at least trying to help me. 

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a/n ayooo

thoughts?

predictions?

words:
862