Tension (Steve Harrington)

Chap. 50; Dear...

Dear Walt,

I wanted to start by telling you how much I love you. I love you more than the whole world. You are my soul mate, the love of my life. I don't know how I'm going to live without you. I don't know how I lived before you.

I know you would tell me it's not and not to blame myself, but I can't help it. Maybe if I had got you involved, I told you about the upside-down and all the crazy shit in this goddamn town. You could have been more careful.

Again, I know you would choke me out... Maybe I shouldn't use that analogy or metaphor. Whatever it is. We both know I'm math smart, not English smart. Anyways, if I said this, you'd tell me I shouldn't and ask me to say, "Not really don't worry," but I wish it was me. I don't mean this in an I feel sorry for myself way. I mean it in the way that you had a future, a legacy. You got a scholarship to be a wide receiver for Purdue, which isn't that impressive because it's not Notre Dame. I'm kidding, it's still fucking impressive. You were going to be a doctor. Maybe not save people's lives but you know bring more into the world. You want a family, you want to be a grandpa watching your little grandkids playing football. I didn't. I wanted to die before. Then I had the "plan" to die before I was thirty, so I don't get old, all that stupid superficial shit. It is fake or whatever. I shouldn't have said it. You had your life planned out, and you got it taken from you.

I still can't believe you're gone. I have yet to be able to say the "d" word for you or my dad. I talked to your mom, I know, right? We actually had a civilized conversation. She's the reason I'm writing this. Actually, she told me to write it, and you'd be able to see it in heaven. Yeah, that was the first time I've laughed since. Unlike your Mormon ass, I don't believe in all that purgatory, heaven, and hell bullshit. But figured there is no harm in trying, right?

So if you can read this or whatever, I just wanted to tell you what I'll miss. To start I miss you. I'll miss you. I'll miss all your sex jokes, and your complaining about never getting more than to second base. I'll miss stealing alcohol from your dad's liquor cabinet, and getting high. Or late-night conversations in your room or on the balcony. Friday night watching you on the field, then staying the night to watch Notre Dame and the Colts play. I'll miss your platonic kisses; as I made sure you knew. I know, I know it just keeps going but there is just so much more I love about you, how big of an absolute cock block you are. Literally, after you and Samantha broke up you and Steve became all buddy-buddy so then you would never leave us alone. Not that I minded. I got to be with two guys I loved.

I've said enough of what I'll miss. Now I want to say some things I never did. So, Walt, the first night I met, I knew you were it. You were my best friend. I love Nancy and I loved Barbara, but you were my 'best' friend. All the "fuck you's" and "I hate you's" were never real, and I know you know that, but I love you. You loved me through everything. You helped me through everything. You may not have known half of the real shit going on in my life and it killed me to lie to you. To hide part of my life from you. Where I got my scars where how I broke my leg. I truly wanted nothing more than to be completely and totally honest with you but I know that can't happen, it didn't happen. With all that, I just wanted to say goodbye.

I Love you, Lauren

Lauren slipped the note into an envelope, writing Walt on it. She looked up at herself in the mirror above Steve's desk. She looked at the busing around her neck. She looked back down as she began writing one for her dad. This one was going to be just as, if not harder.

Dear Dad,

Oh fuck, this is going to be so hard to do without this page being covered in tears... if I can even do that anymore. Thank you. That's what this is about Thank you. If it weren't for you I wouldn't be here and I truly think you woun't have a whole lot sooner than this. Hell who knows maybe no one would. Who's to say what would happen if the commies got that gate open?