𝑩𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 //𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒚 𝑲𝒊𝒅𝒔 𝑭𝑭//

~𝟴𝟯~

(First person, Ava's perspective)

When Lee Know left a little while later, I decided that I might as well start packing. I had no idea where I was going or how I was going to get there, but I knew that I had to leave. So I started stuffing all the essentials into my duffle bag, hoping that the next person to enter my room would be Chan. 

I wanted to tell him I was leaving so that at least one person knew where I was going. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to the boys, because I knew my heart wouldn't be able to handle it. And I didn't want to have to put them through that. 

So I wanted to tell Chan. Because I knew he wouldn't tell them. And I knew that he wouldn't try to stop me. When I was almost finished packing, I heard a knock at my door. I almost wanted to send the person away, until I heard Chan's voice.

"Ava, it's me. Can I come in?" he softly asked.

I granted him access, turning around as he opened the door. I didn't bother to hide my duffle bag, seeing as I was going to tell him in any case. He smiled slightly at me before his gaze landed on the duffle bag on my bed, stuffed with clothes and other necessities. His brows drew together in confusion, but then I saw his eyes widen as realisation hit him.

"Wait, are you planning on leaving?" he asked rather loudly.

I cringed, hoping the other members didn't hear. I quickly moved past him and closed the door, putting my finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet.

"So, you're leaving?"

When I didn't answer I heard him sigh.

"I guess I should have seen it coming. Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

"When are you leaving?"

"As soon as possible."

I saw his face fall as he heard my answer, and a tear slipped over his cheek. I reached out to him, but he swiped the tear away, and I took it as a sign that I shouldn't touch him.

"Do you plan on telling the members?" he asked, his voice rough with emotion.

"No. I don't think I'll be able to handle that."

He sniffed, lifting his gaze to look me in the eye.

"Why are you telling me this, and not Lee Know?"

"I knew you wouldn't try to stop me. Besides... I'm doing this for him."

"This will break him. You know that, right?"

"I do. But I also know that if he sees me flinch away from him again, it'll kill him. And I can't have that. He has his whole life ahead of him. I don't want to ruin it because I couldn't get a hold of myself."

Chan looked like he wanted to argue, but he stayed silent. After a long stretch of quiet breathing and tension, he spoke again.

"I know of a place where you can get help. A place that the others don't know about. A place where you can fully heal before coming back."

I felt like a piece of me was ripped away at his words. I dreaded having to tell him what was floating around in my mind, but he deserved to know. And when he thought the time was right, the members deserved to know too. So I took a deep breath, forcing the lump in my throat down.

"Chan I... I don't know if I'm ever coming back."

It took all the strength and self-control not to let my tears fall in that moment. I forced the lump in my throat down because I knew if I started crying, I wouldn't stop. But when I looked up and made eye contact with Chan, all that self-control fell away. He looked like his heart just got shattered. And I knew if his reaction was that bad, Lee Know's reaction would be ten times worse.