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CW//disturbing

- Gallery
(Poem by me)

My heart keeps on beating

I want it to stop
I cry, I plead, I fight
But it keeps on beating
I wish for the signs to drop
Only seeing white
Wanting it to be fleeting

I wish, I plan, I harm
I suffer daily
But it keeps on beating
I do not want the authorities to be alarmed
I just want to hurt my belly
Of lies I am reeking

I will never be happy
I will never recover
From what you put me through
Laying in agony
If it kills me, I wish to suffer
I do not want your rescue

I do not want to live
I simply refuse
My chest is hot and my blood is pounding
There is nothing I wish to forgive
As I have seen your views
Ignoring all the lights that are surrounding

You should not
I do not want you to do that
I want you to stop, but you do not obey
From afar, hearing a gun shot
Efforts of help fall flat
There are no illnesses I display

Using a razor blade
Starting to scream
Yet it will not stop, even if I cry
Feeling betrayed
There is no one you can redeem
The truth is not what I imply

Yet my heart must stop

It hurts, this existence
I am not made for this
And I want to bash my head into the wall
You watch from the distance
Interesting film, do you feel bliss?
Watching me cry in the rainfall

I see blood flowing out
But it does nothing
It only angers me
You want me to feel doubt
But I only feel adrenaline rushing
I will only stop once I lay next to the tree

I think I will hit the wall again
Over and over and over
Until I cannot feel my hands anymore
Why are you still present?
Can you not see my goal getting closer?
At least that is what I swore

Until the walls are smeared with my blood
I want to destroy the mirror
And slash my body so that nothing remains
Leave now, you did all you could
Reality is becoming clearer
Exhausted, I lay on my blood stain

I do not create art to be cute
I am enraged, hurt, nothing
My body is scared of me
I continue until I reach the absolute
And I feel gravity crushing
Perhaps instead, I should grant mercy

It wants to live

And I feel sorry for all I put it through
But my heart must not beat
Still, in the end, it does not matter
I have already taken off my shoes
I just no longer want my memories to repeat
My hopes have been shattered

[Written in: 16/04/2023]