🃏 Adulthood 🃏

♠️ Do I even Want to fall in Love? ♠️

- Do I even want to fall in love?
(Poem by me)

I see all these relationships around me
Yet I never found myself in such situation
Should I feel embarrassed and lonely?
Is this curiosity? Is this frustration?

Do I even want to fall in love?
The media at least says so
And I am interested, kind of
Still, I would always answer with "No"

Is it better that way?
Or am I missing out?
Is my development delayed?
I used to be so sure, now I doubt

Do not get me wrong I want to love a woman
But why would anyone love me?
As I will offer no sexual moments
Which goes against this strange society

I always hated romance
Only lately, this feeling has been present
Never, did I give it a chance
Now, I want it, which I resent

Why now? What caused this change?
I do not want this misery
This feeling is strange
It is filled with...jealousy?

But...that is not possible!
I am perfectly fine with being single!
All these dreams...they are just fictional!
I never found relationships desirable!

Even if, what if someone breaks my heart?
No, it would be safer staying like this
All these walls cannot fall apart
I cannot betray my promise

This yearning cannot be real
No...that would be embarrassing
Since I have no appeal
To this world, I am nothing

Still, I am kept awake
Imagining my dream wife
I even feel her hugs, even though it is fake
By next year, I would not be alive

There is no one
Who greets me when I come home
Who watches with me the dawn of the sun
Who always talks to me on the phone

No one, who cuddles with me in bed
No one, who takes walks in the forest
No one, who would love me instead
No one, whom I can I romantically cherish

Lonely, I watch the city's river
Lonely, I talk to myself in my room
Lonely, I shiver during the winters
Lonely, I watch the flowers bloom

Back then, my lifestyle I did not mind
I felt no need for social interactions
Now, I dream of humans being kind
And of sharing a deep connection

Still, my desires must be platonic!
No, I do not need love, stop lying!
No, I am not that pathetic!
That having no girlfriend is why I am crying!

Then...why do I grow envious?
When I see happy, lesbian couples
When I see my own parents
When I see no one struggle

If I have no desire, then why do I imagine?
I chose this! So why am I complaining?
I will never follow the traditions...
It even became a subject for painting

I just feel so confused
Please, stop this torture...
How can I love if I was abused?
What is truly in my nature?

Am I just falling victim to expectations?
Or is this wish truly real?
What is this unknown sensation?
What is it, that I truly feel?

[Written in: 08/09/2023]