🃏 Adulthood 🃏

♦️ Read Carefully ♦️

CW//disturbing

I have not felt suicidal for months now and that feeling has persisted.
Instead, I only wish, this poem tells that.

- Read carefully
(Poem by me)

Do not take this at face value

I stare at the abyss
And the abyss stares back
Lost in the deep, lonely pits
Called by the deep sea of black

Heavy laughter roars from it
And I laugh along
Sobbing from the guilt
I know such thoughts are utterly wrong

Thousands die a day
What difference does one make?
Does selfishness even have a say?
When with this pain I lie awake?

I promise, I will not jump
But someone, please push me in
Because I do not want to succumb
To this desire, is it not a sin?

I beg you, let me rest
Nothing will change in the news
No one will be depressed
Nothing will change in your views

Nothing will change in your lifestyles
No one will become pessimistic
No one will cry
Nothing will change in the statistics

Only a number among many
Just as empty as Mars
The Earth sinks and feels heavy
Into the brace of dying stars

The moon is kissing the sky
And thunder strikes aggressively
Quite a rainy July
So I must censor myself heavily

I wish to meet death
Is it nice? Is it cruel? I am not even religious
Is it poor? Does it drown in its wealth?
But I am only slightly superstitious

Only a burden
Always in their room
You barely even see me, for certain
And we live in the same home

I reach out for something I no longer have
For someone that no longer is
Numbly, I stumble in mountains of ash
As I construct realities

Where I am cool, loved, important
My eyes grow tired of the display
Seeing this loneliness as reinforcement
It remains empty, especially on my birthday

I only wish to fall asleep
And never wake up
I am not some sort of prodigy
So in my slumber, do not interrupt

We cannot all be special or meaningful
Or a useful human, who is dreaming
Still, I must remain cheerful
Cannot let them suspect my well-being

I wish to live
Wish to love
Wish to forgive
Wish to run

Wish to have a purpose
Wish to be someone special
Wish to receive Turnips
Wish to happily settle

But

No one is holding me back
Nothing is holding me back
Chosen by not a single soul
Loving not a single soul

Let me go, just like everyone else
I am not even holding myself back
The world boils, as the cold melts
Would it really hurt so much if I died?

I suppose not
Every day is the same
Is there anyone, who I forgot?
No matter, I will forever carry this shame

Do not lose hope, maintain it
You fought so much already
It would be a shame to quit
Despite weapons, the mind is most deadly

I already said I am not doing it!
So leave me alone with my thoughts
There is nothing to see, even if you illuminate
No need to worry for any loss

Seclusion is all I experience
All I do is wish, I do not act upon anything
At night, the snow looks glorious
Every Winter, I dread Spring

It is my favourite season
Yet I only see it through my windows
Never treading the snow for some reason
Still, I enjoy its comforting glow

Read carefully

[Written in: 12/01/2024]