An Ace Of Hearts (Book #1) (Completed)

Chapter 23: A Liar And A Savior

AHVI TAKEDA

My reflection in the mirror blurred as I tried to desperately hold onto my sanity. My heart was pounding in my chest. It was too loud. It raced too fast. I thought it might escape my chest. A small part of me hoped it did because then I wouldn't feel anymore, because then I would be rid of the panic, the pain I felt.

I ran a hand through my hair, gritting my teeth. Jace knew. He knew about what I had been, what I had done. But he didn't know the whole story. He didn't know why I had done it.

Does it matter? Would it matter to him? A voice in the back of my head asked. I didn't have an answer. But the questions were many and they kept swirling in my mind, going round and round until I could feel myself growing dizzy.

Jace knew.

My chest heaved and I reached for the blade on the counter. I needed to get away, get out of my skin somehow, get away from my mind.

Jace knew.

I picked up the blade and brought it to my wrist. The scars on my arm glared back at me as I pulled back the sleeves of my blouse. My breathing grew shallow as I put the blade to the smooth skin right above my wrist.

Jace knew.

The moments we had shared for the past few weeks raced through my mind and I felt my throat tighten. Fuck. Digging the blade into my skin, I braced myself. I wanted to feel the pain today. Like the happiness and giddiness I had felt every time Jace had come near, I wanted the pain to be just as profound. I wanted it to hurt enough to drown out my thoughts.

Jace knew.

One call and I will be there for you. I promise. He had told me he would always be there for me at the diner but I didn't believe it anymore. The look in his eyes in the kitchen earlier had made me question not only myself but his promise. He wouldn't come for me if I called him. I doubted he would come for me if I begged him to.

Jace knew.

I hissed as the blade tore into my skin. Pain, familiar and welcome, rushed to meet me. I sighed in relief as I leaned back against the wall of the bathroom. I needed an escape. And in the pain, I found it. I found a reprieve from the emotions bursting through my chest. I found solace. I found peace. I found myself because pain was all I had known for most of my life.

Jace knew.

He knew but what difference did it make? He would hate me for the rest of his life. But did it matter? What was one more person hating me? What did it matter when I hated myself too? I hated myself for the path I had chosen, for the way I had spent those years when Ren had left.

I had been alone. I didn't have anyone by my side. No matter what people said, distance did create a void. My brother tried, he really did, but he couldn't solve all my problems. He couldn't assure me, couldn't make me feel secure. My mother had not been there. She was barely conscious most days. I was on my own.

I slammed my head against the tiled bathroom wall. My heart raced in my chest as I tried to come to terms with the fact that Jace now knew about my secret. It didn't matter, I told myself. He was keeping my secret. And that was enough for me. I was okay with being hated by him. I had to be okay.

Blood gushed out of my wrist as the blade dug deeper. I didn't want to lose control but it was getting harder. My path to redemption, I swallowed as I let the ruby red blood seep out of the wound I had inflicted upon myself.

I closed my eyes and breathed out as I felt the sting die down. The blood dripped down my hand as I removed the blade from my wrist and placed it back on the counter. Feeling lighter than I had a few minutes ago, I let the open wound throb. It was a welcome feeling, a distraction from the turmoil inside of me. I wished I could stay in this place forever.