Intertwined

Chapter 12

Lauren's POV

"Hey Lauren, look who's here." Camila's voice reappears after a short while. I turn around to find her and the girls standing there. They smile shyly at me and walk over to my bed trying to avoid eye contact with me, I sit up as they make their way over to me. The tension in the room seemed to increase with every passing second. "We brought you this" Ally piped up. She hands me a stuffed dog that is incredibly soft and has a balloon attached to it that says 'Get Well Soon'.  I just smile and thank her. We are once again caught in tension filled silence. "Guys, you do know you can sit down, right?" Camila says. She waves over to the couch and the armchair next to the couch. "I rather stay here right next to Lauren. I'm gonna go ask if they have any plastic chairs or something." Dinah says in a much quieter tone than usual. She then walks out of the room. 

"Thank you. For the gift and for being here. It means a lot to me." I speak up, looking down at my hands as I finish. Dinah walks in with two folded chairs and a male nurse comes in behind her with two more. He puts them down and unfolds them, then leaves promptly. Dinah unfold the two she has and then brings one over to the end of the bed and sits down, staring at me. The other girls (including Camila) grab their chairs and sit next to both sides of the bed. Everyone seems to be staring at me at this point and I'm beginning to get very uncomfortable and self-conscious. Camila holds my hand in hers and then turns and begins to make small talk with the girls in order to take their attention off me. She probably saw how uncomfortable I was getting with all those sad eyes on me. 

The small talk doesn't last for long, though. "Lauren, we all know that you can't avoid this topic for long. You know this conversation would come sooner or later. Tell us what happened. Why didn't you ask for help? How didn't we notice how much more weight you've lost? What the hell has happened?" Normani says with a hint of anger in her voice. She's right. I knew this was coming, I was just trying to put it off for as long as I could. I wouldn't blame her for wanting answers. That's something I want too. But I'm not going to put my friends through all this crap and leave them clueless.

"I have...uh struggled for many years with my eating habits. This was going to come sooner or later. I have been hiding how horrible I have felt for years. It wasn't just nausea. No. It was the dizziness, the excruciating stomach pains, migraines, weak muscles and bones, hair loss, heart problems, getting cold easily, my skin would bruise easily and it still does now but a lot more. My periods would be very light or sometimes I wouldn't have them at all. As of now, I haven't had my period in like four months. This started at a young age. My eating hasn't ever been normal, really. But I only ever started restricting to the extreme and starving as well as purging since I was 13...after Evangeline and her family were killed in the accident. I stopped eating and I haven't really eaten a lot since then. Only very small proportions. My weight decreased at rapid amounts and eventually, a little while back, like a year ago, I reached a point where I could not lose anymore weight. I was stuck at 78 pounds. I stopped drinking water to see if I could lose weight but I couldn't. So I soon became addicted to diet pills. I didn't have an appetite at all so I didn't eat for a week. That week we had off so I was at home. I had passed out and woke up on the floor and I couldn't really move. After that incident I made sure to drink small amounts of water. I barely ate and I began working out in secret. I'd go to the park early in the morning and run around and around. I got to the point where running seven miles was normal, even if I was close to passing out by the time I finished. I finally got out of my stuck weight and began decreasing again. Fast forward to three weeks ago when I confessed my secrets to Camila, I had only lost 5 pounds in a year. Let's just say I was still sort of stuck. I was 73 pounds. Camila and I are now in a relationship. Although she has made me so much happier than I have been in a LONG time, I've been so fucking depressed. It's eating me alive. I have lost so many people. Evangeline, her family, Leah, and my grandma. It has hit me so hard these past weeks that I keep losing people. When my grandma died three months ago, I didn't truly acknowledge it and it didn't hit me completely. I have been in denial for months. It finally hit me two weeks ago, she's dead. She isn't coming back. Only then did I feel my chest burn and rage and depression hit me. I completely felt it all. Instead of working out these past weeks, I would lie in bed or sit around. You guys didn't notice because it is something you have seen me doing quite often. I usually work out really early before you guys wake up and then come back while you guys are still sleeping. I shower, get back into my pajamas and go back to bed and pretend to have been there the whole time. And then I'd go and sit around. You guys are used to seeing me like that. But I haven't been working out excessively like I usually do. I sit around or lay in bed. So my muscles have been eating themselves away because I have barely eaten in these past weeks. I have only had like 2,000 calories in these past three weeks. That is the amount of calories a person should be taking in DAILY. I haven't. So since I have barely been active and barely eating at all, my body is eating itself away and I've lost weight. I've been numb this past week. I've tried to hide it. I made sure you guys saw me in the kitchen sometimes with a plate in front of me so you'd assume I've been eating but I just throw it out once you'd leave. I smile a lot around you so you see that I am 'happy'. I have done my best to make sure you didn't see how bad I was getting. My heart has only gotten worst throughout the years, so this was far out of your reach. There was no way you could have stopped it. The amount of damage my body has undergone over the years is horrible, this had to have happened sooner or later. I wear baggy clothes, beanies, and lots of sweaters and jackets so you don't see how much more weight I'm losing and how much hair is falling out. My wrists are basically mutilated by that stupid blade and now all that is left are scars. I haven't cut in a while and that has also influenced this in a small way. The urges were so strong but I held on and stopped myself before I could do it. I didn't ask for help because I feel like I'm enough of a bother to you guys. I don't want you guys to be worried or have to constantly keep your eyes on me or listen to me crying. I want you guys to go on with your lives without having to worry about me. I thought I could deal with it on my own. I don't blame you guys for being mad at me right now. I'm sorry. I really am." After my explanation I just  played with my hands and avoided making any eye contact with them. Camila stood up and walked over to the couch, grabbing a blue blanket that the girls had brought. she walked back over to me and wrapped it around my shoulders. She lied down next to me on the bed and hugged me close, putting my head on her chest. Just that loving gesture of hers eased my tension. Normani's voice brings me out of my thoughts, "We aren't mad at you, just ourselves. We feel so stupid for not noticing that one of our best friends is suffering. We are angry that we didn't see what was going on. That we were oblivious and let it get to this point. Lauren, we are here for you through the highs and lows. We love you and you should know that we will always be here for you. You are NOT a bother. You can always ask for help, okay? We love you and right now all that negative stuff doesn't matter. Let's just focus on you getting better, okay?"