•Ōscillatioņ• [The Mysterious Letter] England Cricket Team/ by SHIRIN SHANTA

~Me

Feeling heavy today, couldn't measure things properly, had no exact mind on works, feeling like loosing myself day by day. Getting worser  than before, have no dreams left. I cannot focus on things rightly, can't even give a reason, just I can breath, didn't hold a single thing. Looks at the trees, green leafs, thought the the juniper colour has turned to lindworm instantly. For me? I can't overthink more... the sky was getting darker, it was sunshine in the morning. Within 12 pm, its got tenebrous. And That dismal feeling I often face! The thunderstorms came after. I couldn't hold me more. Things what left for me was just MYSELF. I told them I can't face those situations in meantime for the coming days. I'm noting the worser, binding the pains. It's like a home for me, no one even can replace! Laughs a bit, go down in normal thoughts as usual, what belongs to me, yeah it keeps me fit each times. Got some of tears falling from high, don't know why I'm that much emotional. Get no sense when I pick me up. Has prepared for present. But what is coming?! Did I ask for those? I don't no why I face my days same unchanged. People spend life through ups and down, what about me? Lord was watching me, I couldn't feel it. All the boundaries teached me secrecy, I couldn't amuse it. If the world is just a creation, I'm only a piece of shit, an unused shit.

I was reading a book, I placed myself in each pages. I found those symmetrical dominoes of every situations, holding my breath in single letters. I didn't count pages, I count emotions. Billion tears have had enough with that untitled story. Still thiking what should I name it. Deep down in every parts, falling inside and filling each gaps with unfulfilled drama. Yeah, I call it drama. Cause Lord told me- CUT. Faded up, almost died. He was going to face what he didn't ask for. Never ever he had  his desires in hand. He didn't even give a Thanks to Lord. Sometimes some luck offers, and he still can't forget to be grateful every time. He didn't forget a single grace. His all attempts where just failed when he took his luck as bless. It was harmony, it wasn't Dignity. It was more than garbage, Lord has thrown for him. Yes, he took it as a reward, consoled his mind- it was a token. Hardly placing himself towards everything. Those miseries had nothing but captured him from corner of his path. Tears him off, still he is alive, awakened. Counted all those steps, going forward, seeing each piece of phenomenon, gathering all the anguish, filming his emptiness, necessity is calling him back, haven't answered. He keeps going, walking and falling. Put himself off to his legs again and again walks. Forthwith, he stopped. Looks at the tenacious ocean before him. Didn't shock! Looks at the sky, all the tears appears before a single blink. He didn't mumble even a word. Yeah, he didn't ask for that. Never ever he had any desires, any attemptions. He took it all in his mind. Spread his pain in silence. He has killed by his own thoughts. But can he ask for a, just a single thing? Why would Lord even throw him here? To face? To regret? To take? He has taken each. He can't echo happiness since birth. Why he thought himself a 'Curse?' Lord can't speak. He can't, cause he has either no answers. If it's true that after darker night, Sun will rise surely. They where his his Sun? Is he living in the planet where sunlight doesn't reach? So why it looks like Earth! But he jumped on that sea to face, to walk. If Lord even damaged him, he would have gone far, far from his each pain. He isn't alone, himself- is his another version.

Jimmy comes to last page, no page left for him. He almost got those pages wet by his tears. 'Yes, he can't save himself. Yes, he can't swim either. Also yes, he is dying BUT HE IS SURVIVING. He survived! He is alive.' All his tears falls from the edge of his skin. Looking forward, did nothing. 'He couldn't get whatever asked. He faced exact the same situation, exact the same some years ago, what he already faced. Those unnecessity, pain teaches him lessons. It's all okay, BUT IT'S NOT, NOT OKAY! He had that lessons Lord, had already-' crying loudly, broken apart, sighs, 'Al-ready! Why you put him in the same situation again and again. DOES HE DESERVE IT? ALL- THE- FUCKING- TIME?! WHY-!' Crying more than before. He had no intention to read his notes comes from teenage. But he didn't write more. Cause he faced exact same situations till adult. What would he even write about?

Still haven't passed that sea.