Loving the unloveable

Being selfish

Iris:

"Shouldn't you be on lunch right now? And You can't keep skipping homeroom" miss young reminds me as I sit with my knees to my chest on a chair across from her desk. "Yes and why not?"
"Because I'll get in trouble and hiding from your problems doesn't make them go away" her eyes peer over the computer she's typing on to look at me. "Who said I have any problems? Maybe I just enjoy your company" I smile sweetly at her.

"I think you forget that I've been teaching you for four years now Iris" her tone is omniscient and I roll my eyes. "I'll stop skipping on Monday" she hums, focusing back on whatever she's doing on her computer while I scroll through Spotify. That's what I've been doing for the past couple days; hiding out in my favourite teachers office and playing music through my AirPods.

Im halfway through listening to Cool About It by boy genius when I feel a glooming presence casting a shadow over me. I look up to miss who only spares a glance at the unwanted visitor to raise an eyebrow before getting back to her work. My eyebrows furrow at her reaction before I turn in my seat to see who the culprit of ruining my song is. My eyes land on an awaiting figure who gestures to the door.

"Go for a walk on the field, the fresh air will do you some good" I look back at my teacher who waves me off and I huff. Looks like I'm going for a walk. "Bye miss"
"Bye Iris, oh and don't be smoking out there" I nod, walking to the door with Jake by my side. We walk with our footsteps in time toward the back doors where a cool breeze wafts over us.

"So what do you want to talk about?"
"You" which side of me? Is what I want to ask but I refrain. "I don't think there's anything to say" Jake allows silence to fall over us, like a warm blanket in autumn, while we stroll over the field toward an old oak tree that sits in the very corner of the school grounds. Once we reach the brown bark we take a seat with our backs against the rough texture.

"You've been all over the place recently" tell me about it, I feel like the worlds spinning around me and I'm having to run to keep up with it. But eventually I realised I couldn't and know I let myself get lost in the background.
Then other times it's so slow that I can feel everything for an insufferable amount of time, that is normally when my father has gotten to me.

"I'm sorry" I'm hard work for my friends, god knows that. "I don't want an apology, I want you to tell me what is going on in that mind field of yours" he pokes my temple and I huff out a breath, smiling the tiniest bit.
"I don't really know myself" I have so many feelings, so many thoughts but putting them into words and explaining why or what I'm feeling is so difficult that it feels impossible. So I never try, I let my thoughts remain in my head where they thrive and overshadow any sense.

"Why have you been avoiding us?"
"I haven't-"
"Truth or nothing" he sounds so alike to Bailey that I wouldn't be surprised if they had been texting each other. "Fine. You scared me when you said that I was falling for Elias"
"Why are you scared?"
"Because I'm hard work and he could have literally any other girl that would love him and love him right. I can't do that" by hard work I mean unloveable and a down right waste of air.

"But he wants you"
"That's the problem" I need him to not want me and maybe some time apart will give him the chance to see all of his other options.
"No your problem is that you need to stop thinking that no one can like you for you. And even if you were hard work it's work he wants to have so let him. Be selfish and let him have what he wants, what you want too" my eyes lower to the ground where I pluck some grass from the ground. That's all so much easier said than done.

"Stop giving me great speeches and let me live in my own little world of running away, in peace" i grumble and he snorts. "How far has that imaginary world of yours gotten you huh?" Scowling I pick up the small pile of grass I've made and throw it at his face. His face drops as he spits out small blades of green while I burst out laughing. "Your face" I choke out.
"You are so dead" he calmly states, a little too calmly in my opinion.