Chasing Nikki

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Three 

    

    Nikki was fast asleep again by the time her mom came back carrying some breakfast.

    "Still sleeping, I see." She sat down on the couch against the wall.

    "She woke up for a short while and visited."

    "Good, I'm glad. She was really concerned about you."

    I nodded, not quite able to meet her gaze. "Yeah, sorry about that."

    She took a bite of her food, looking at me thoughtfully while she chewed. I felt like I had a big neon sign on my head flashing the word "guilty" all over it.

    "Chase, you seem different somehow. Is there anything I can do to help? You know I love you like you're one of my own kids, right?"

    I gave a soft snort, suddenly becoming interested in the tiles on the floor. I shifted uneasily.

    "Talk to me. Maybe it'll help to get it out."

    The tension inside me rose to an extremely uncomfortable level. I didn't know how to tell her what I needed, but I knew she deserved the truth.

    "I know Nikki was meeting you so the two of you could spend the night together."

    My head jerked up—reading her expression, looking for anger—but there was none.

    "Nikki told me about it when everyone was trying to find you. She told me a lot of things—confidential things you've told her. She was worried you might have used some drugs and overdosed somewhere."

    "So, all my secrets are out." I smiled wryly. "Is this where you tell me to get out, I'm not good enough to date your daughter?" I felt ill.

    "No. This is the part where I reiterate my previous statement. I love you like my own child. You're part of our family now, and I'll do whatever I can to help you."

    I laughed, and stood up, pacing away before turning around to face her. 

    "Why? I certainly haven't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. I pressured your daughter to be with me, wearing her defenses down until she gave in. She's lying in this bed because of what I wanted her to do. If she never walks again it'll be my fault. Don't you understand?"

    "That's not how I see it at all. I see two kids who have been together for months and have grown to have some very real adult feelings for each other. Nikki told me you never pressured her, letting her take things at her own pace. She said this was her decision."

    I let out a groan of disagreement. "I pressured her every time I touched her, trying to fire her up so she'd want it as much as I did. I'm no saint and certainly not someone worthy of any sort of praise. Every time I think about her being here, it makes me so sick—I just want to vomit. She doesn't deserve this. It should be me, not her. The world can get along fine without a guy like me, but it needs all the people like Nikki it can find. She's so perfect—completely good, patient, and generous."

    "If she's so wonderful, then why did she pick you, Chase?"

    "That's exactly my point. She didn't want to go out with me. She called me a punk the first time we met. I wore her down, made her go out with me, and now look at her. It's like I destroy everything I touch."

    Justine stood and came to place both of her hands firmly on my shoulders. 

    "Stop it, Chase," she commanded. "This is not your fault. It's an unfortunate accident. Nikki went out with you because she saw something she liked about you. That like turned into something much more. She feels this way because she loves everything about you. She wants all of you, the weaknesses and the strengths. That's how it works. She's not perfect, even if you think she is. She struggles with things like the rest of us. You can help her best if you stop blaming yourself. Otherwise your guilt is going to eat you up and take you someplace you've tried really hard to escape. Don't let it drive a new wedge between the two of you. She needs you now more than ever. It's time for you to be the strong one."