Niall,
I'm so lost. I don't like this anymore.
I come with a price, Niall. I'm like a bomb or a ticking clock. And one day that bomb is going to go off and I can't promise you the outcome of that.
I can feel it counting down. It's constantly blasting in my mind, just waiting for that perfect little moment.
You see, the thing with me is that there a good days and bad days. More bad than good, but I suffice. It's the littlest things, Ni, too. It's hard for me to explain, but I'm trying.
That day that you talked to me, three weeks ago (yes, I really did put it on my calendar), that was a good day. That was the best day actually that I've had in a while. And I know that if you were reading this right now, you'd be lagging on trying to get this over with already, but I just want to thank you for that day. That was the first good day I'd had in over two months and the last good day I've had in three weeks.
You do something funny to me, Niall. And with out even trying. I know you don't like me and I know that I'm probably the dirt on your shoes, but just know that the only reason I do continue to come to class every day is because of you.
The past four days, including today, however has been hell. And I know you don't care, but there are things that go on in this house that shouldn't, and there are things that I do that I shouldn't and I know they're wrong, but when the pain is so bad, the line between good and bad becomes a blur and I start to just not care anymore...
Is that what I should do? Just not care?
Not care about this damn school?
Not care about you and your fucking jock friends who go around laughing at every one and making fun of those who you downgrade?
Not care that every time I come home, my father is right there at the door, ready to bust my ass over something?
Ha. It'd be nice, Niall.
If only I could.
God, this is a mess.
I'm a mess.
Bye, Niall.
~Ryan
20/4/15
