Ya know, I told myself that I'd give up on these when I moved here. I said that I'd forget it all and if I did write a letter, that it'd be personally addressed to your home.
But here I am, three in the morning, drunk off my arse (so excuse the messy and sloppy handwritting), writing to an imaginary you in order to feel like I somewhat am still connected to you.
But the truth is, I feel like I'm slipping up a lot lately. Haven't answered your past ten calls, left you on read five too many times, and haven't even been able to bring myself to listen to your voice mails until tonight and I suddenly realized why.
Haven't you ever longed for something you couldn't have so much that you actually thought you were going insane?
Like suddenly the dreams and thoughts of that one thing just don't suffice your needs anymore?
Every time I think of you or see an image of you or just hear your voice, that longing is back and it hits ten times harder every damn time. Do you know how painful that aching is, Ryan?
Do you know how much it kills me to know that I left behind a broken girl in a broken home to fulfill my selfishness?
A lot. I just wish I could make it up to you, but I REALLY don't know how any more.
The only way I know how to NOT drive myself insane is to ignore you. And the only way I know how to help you is to talk to you and show I still care. How am I supposed to mix two things that are on completely different ends of the spectrum in order to satisfy us both?
I didn't know that loving someone would hurt so much. I didn't understand the concept of distance until I met you, Ry. Because distance is the only factor I have left to measure anymore. And no matter how many times I try to shrink it or calculate a smaller numerical value from Mullingar to Manchester, I still get left with an answer that is 396.8 Km too long.
I'm falling apart without you near, Ryan. And I don't know what to do...
I love you beyond words, Ryan. Just wish I could actually tell you.
- Niall
17/10/15
