Steps of Courage

Chapter 6

The rest of that week Aiden found so many different ways to torture me in the library. 

Then Alexa and I caught up at the cafe. We sat across from each other with a coffee each. 

"Omg, Bree and I went to a party last night and it was so much fun!" Alexa said excitedly, showing me photos, "You should've been there!"

"Well, uhm, I didn't get invited so..." I said, taking a sip of my coffee. 

Alexa continued to talk about the party, occasionally mentioning inside jokes between her and Bree without realizing. I tried to engage in the conversation but I could only feel the distance between us growing larger. 

"...and then Bree started doing the worm and everyone started cheering!" Alexa says, laughing, as I zoned back in. 

I faked a smile and took another sip of my coffee. 

"Sounds like lots of fun..." I said. 

Alexa's focus remained on Bree again throughout the rest of the conversation and it made me feel like I was just on the sidelines watching someone having a life without me. I struggled to keep up the facade of my enthusiasm so I made up an excuse to leave. Luckily Alexa didn't notice my dodgy attempt at an excuse as she was too focused on texting Bree, so she just waved me off with one hand. I faked another smile. 

"So nice catching up." I said, hiding my true feelings, "Totally should do it again."

"Absolutely!" Alexa said, excitedly, "and I'll bring Bree along!"

I nodded as I felt my heart sink. I went back home and sat on my bed. Staring at a picture of Alexa and I on my bedside table. As I sat there I felt a heaviness in my chest. The room was quiet, so I could faintly hear Alexa in her house on the phone - probably with Bree - laughing. I grabbed a pillow and hugged it to my chest trying to steady my breathing. I stared at the picture as thoughts of all our happy memories went racing through my mind, and all I could think about was the fact I was losing her. I started to feel sticky, a tell-tale sign my anxiety was taking over, and I felt the all-too familiar feeling of a panic attack settle over my body and crowd my mind with negative thoughts. 

"Breathe, just breathe Katie." I whispered to myself, rocking back and forth. 

I closed my eyes and listened to my rapid shaking breaths. Images of Alexa and Bree having fun at school and at the party flashed in my mind, making the feeling of isolation blow up about 100 times. I dropped the pillow and gripped the edge of my bed and watched as my knuckles turned white. The room felt like it was closing in on itself, I needed to get out of there but I was frozen. 

"I can't lose her." I whispered to myself, voice shaking, "I can't be alone."

My chest tightened, and tears started streaming down my cheeks. I went to reach for my phone to call Alexa, to sort everything out and to hear her voice tell me it was okay, but I couldn't. 

"She has Bree now." I whispered to myself, clasping my hands together to stop me reaching for my phone, "I can't be a burden."

I wiped at my tears, now making it hard to see and I wished I could just talk to Alexa like I always could when I went through my attacks, but this time it was different, because I'm not important to her anymore. I stared at the ceiling and counted down from 20, a technique I learned in therapy to help control my attacks. 

"3... 2... 1..." I took a deep breath and wiped my face for the final time. 

Exhausted from crying, I fell asleep without dinner.