Steps of Courage

Chapter 9

The whole point of college was to make new friends - meet new people and find yourself - so why is it so hard? Classes seemed pointless - sitting by myself - so why did it feel impossible to talk to people? One day mom talked me into at least trying to make friends. So I went to class and I stood in the doorway - the thought of having to talk to new people daunting - before mustering the courage to go inside. 

"You can do this, Katie." I whispered to myself as I walked inside, "Just find someone to sit with."

I scanned the room, trying to find a friendly face in the sea of people. In one row a group of friends were laughing, and another on the opposite side were talking passionately about their ideas for the class. As I stood awkwardly in the walkway my anxiety intensified. I desperately searched the classroom before finally finding someone sitting by themselves. It was a guy with curly hair and glasses intensely reading a book. I walked up to him, stumbling on my own words with anxiousness. 

"Hi, uhm, is this seat taken?" I asked.

He glanced up at me briefly, barely long enough to notice me before turning his attention back to his book. 

"Nope." he mumbled, turning the page. 

I sensed rejection in his words, but I had come so far - so I sat down next to him. I attempted many times at conversation but each attempt fell flat. I looked around the room, trying to find something to talk about. 

"I should've sat by myself." I whispered to myself, the guy was too invested in his book to notice. 

As the waiting period before the professor showed up was so awkward, I sat there watching all the other students have effortless conversations with each other as I sat there in silence with this guy. The weight of my anxiety only grew heavier with every passing moment, making it increasingly more difficult to attempt to start a new conversation. As I sat there trying to think of things to say, I was also struggling to figure out what to do with my hands, and in my struggle I accidentally knocked all my belongings onto the floor, drawing all the attention to me. People around me exchanged looks as they watched me pick my things up. The weight of everyone's gaze only intensified my panic. 

"Why is this so hard?" I whispered to myself, "Why am I like this?"

The professor entered and the lecture began. At its conclusion I left the room with a heavy heart. My sorry attempt at making friends was only a reminder of my social challenges. Later that night, I couldn't stop thinking about that moment. Was I going to be friendless forever because of my stupid anxiety? 

The next day I entered the common room of the college, I was determined to make a friend this time. I looked around at all the groups laughing, chatting, and growing bonds. Something that is really hard for me to do naturally as proved by past events. I saw a pair of girls on the couch, laughing with each other. I took a deep breath before approaching them. 

"Hi, uhm, mind if I join you?" I asked as the two shared looks. 

They looked at me with polite smiles, but the awkward silence spoke a thousand words. I shuffled my feet, unsure whether to go or to wait for a response. 

"Uhm, sure, go ahead." one of the girls said, shifting over stiffly. 

I sat down next to her, trying to quickly think of something to say. As the seconds pass the silence between us only gets louder and more awkward. 

"So, uhm, what are your majors?" I asked, rambling.

The two looked at each other, before looking back at me. 

"Just the usual stuff, you know." the other girl said, avoiding eye contact. 

I nodded, my attempt at conversation falling flat yet again. As the shared discomfort grew I could feel the two trying to find a way to leave. 

"Yeah, I, uhm, have this literature class, and it's pretty interesting." I said, panicking, "We're reading some classic novels."

They just nodded politely, but it was clear they weren't trying to keep the conversation going. My mind started racing with self-doubt as the two looked at each other and tried to stifle a laugh. One girl made an excuse to get up and leave, and the other went after her, and I forced a smile after them. 

"Well, uhm, see you around I guess." I called after them. 

As I watched them walk away, I felt defeated and even more of an outcast than before. The task of making friends seemed more and more impossible with every attempt, and every social area only served as a reminder that I was different and awkward. Despite my best attempts, I came to accept the fact that I may never make friends. No matter how desperately I craved it.