Steps of Courage

Chapter 17

The next morning, the house was filled with tension. Every little thing I did seemed to set my mom off, and put her on the verge of an argument. 

"Katie, we need to address these issues." Mom says, sternly, "We can't keep avoiding them."

I was exhausted from the constant fighting. I took a deep breath. 

"Fine, let's talk." I said, resigned, "But can we try to have a conversation without turning it into an argument?"

Mom - even though she was very obviously frustrated - nodded in agreement. 

"I just don't understand why you aren't living up to your potential." Mom said, agitated, "I know you can do better."

I attempted for a final time to explain myself. 

"Mom, I'm trying my best, but you need to understand that I can't be perfect." I said, trying to remain calm. "College is challenging, and I'm still figuring things out, and how I work best."

Mom shook her head in disappointment, she obviously wasn't going to change her mind. 

"You need to excel, Katie." Mom said, frustrated, "You're wasting opportunities, and it's disappointing."

I felt a mixture of sadness and frustration, and I struggled to find the right words. 

"I'm not trying to disappoint you." I say, teary-eyed, "I need your support, not your constant criticism."

"Support?" Mom asked, resentful, "You want support? I sacrificed so much for you, and this is how you repay me?"

The air between us grew more and more tense. I felt desperate to have a mom that I could talk to again. 

"I just want us to understand each other." I pleaded, "Can't we find a middle ground?"

"There is no middle ground." Mom said, defensive, "You either meet my expectations or I'm pulling you out of college."

I stood in shock at her words. I couldn't leave school, I was working so hard for my degree, and I was passing so it isn't like I wasn't going to get it. I made it my mission to ace the next task, not just to have the fights stop, but to prove to mom that I could do it and that I wasn't a disappointment and a waste of money. 

I went to school and in all of my break times, I was studying or completing work. After my last class I was studying in the library. I sat on a table alone surrounded by textbooks and my pages of notes. I was trying my best to focus on my studies and use the fight with mom as determination to do better. 

"Hey, Katie!" Alexa says, cheerfully, "What are you up to?"

I looked up from my laptop, and saw Alexa standing there looking happier than ever. I tried my best to smile at her but I was so burnt out it felt impossible. 

"Hey, Alexa." I say, softly, I was going to try one last time to talk to her, maybe now she was in a better mood she would listen, "Can we talk for a minute? I'm exhausted from studying all day."

Alexa didn't pick up on my distress, and instead just plopped into a chair at the table with a big sigh. 

"I've got so much on my mind too. It's been a crazy day." Alexa says. 

I hoped that with just a little bit more pushing, she would listen to me. 

"Please, Alexa." I said, desperately, "I need someone to talk to. My mom threatened to pull me from school if I didn't meet her expectations, and I'm so burnt out from studying all day, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

Alexa instead just brushed my concerns off without the slightest amount of interest. 

"Ugh, seriously?" Alexa asked, rolling her eyes. "My mom is still giving me a hard time about the driving thing. It's like she doesn't understand how inconvenient it is for me to have to pay for my own gas AND drive!"

I felt dismissed and hurt, and I desperately tried to convey the gravity of my situation to try and find some comfort. 

"This is serious." I say, teary eyed, "I might get pulled from school. I thought I could count on you as a friend."

"Oh, please." Alexa said, annoyed, "You're always making everything about you. Maybe if you were more chill, your mom wouldn't be on your case."

I was hurt by Alexa's complete lack of concern and I couldn't hold back my built up frustration any longer. 

"You're so self-centered." I said, angrily, "I'm dealing with the possibility of my entire future being tossed down the drain, and all you care about is your simple inconveniences."

Alexa was now getting defensive, so she fired back. 

"Well, maybe if you weren't such a drama queen, people would actually want to be around you." Alexa snarled. 

She stormed out of the library, and I started crying. I threw my head in my hands and stared at my mountain of work.