Steps of Courage

Chapter 15

I woke up to a series of messages, all from my mom. The messages were a mix of disappointment, and reminders of her expectations from me. I felt the weight of her expectation bearing down on me, which made it hard to get out of bed. But once I battled the internal feud and got out of bed I took my phone in my hands. I wasn't sure whether or not to respond to her messages or leave it and risk more arguments. The all too familiar pangs of hunger stung in my stomach, only reminding me of my situation with the kitchen. 

Eventually I got changed, trying to convince myself I was ready for the day. I went to the kitchen for food, and mom wasn't kidding. The padlock was still on the kitchen door, and the sight of it only made the hunger worse. 

"Great." I muttered to myself, "Just great."

My phone buzzed again, it was like mom was watching me. I didn't want to start another argument right before I had to go to school, so I just grabbed my things and left, leaving her messages unanswered. 

When I got to campus the first thing I did was go to the cafe. My stomach rumbled as a physical reminder of how hungry I was, and so I joined the queue. 

"What can I get for you today?" the barista asked, smiling. 

I managed a small smile. 

"Just a latte, please." I said, but the rumbles returned like a demand from my stomach, "And a muffin."

The barista nodded. When I got my order, I took the first sip of my coffee and it made me feel a lot better. I decided to try and push the complications with my mom out of my mind until I could find Alexa to talk to her about it, since we were friends again I could finally talk to her about things again. 

I found Alexa later that day, and I went to her, hoping to be able to confide in her like old times and for her to give me her awesome advice. Alexa greets me with a smile, and I attempt to return it. 

"Hey, Alexa." I say, softly. "Can we talk? I'm going through a tough time with my mom, and I really need someone to talk to."

Alexa looked at me briefly, before turning her attention to her phone. 

"Oh, for sure." Alexa says, absently, "But first, have you seen this hilarious meme?" 

Alexa shoved her phone in my face, and I pushed it away. I started to get a bit frustrated. 

"Yeah, so funny." I say, smiling weakly, "But seriously, I need your advice. My mom and I had this huge fight, and it's been really tough at home for me."

Alexa avoided eye contact with me. 

"Ugh, family drama." Alexa says, avoidant, "You know what's not dramatic? The awesome party that's happening this weekend. We should totally go together!"

I kept growing more and more annoyed, and I persisted, determined to get through to her. 

"Alexa, this is important." I said, seriously, "I feel so alone dealing with all this, and I thought you could help me. Now that we are friends again."

Alexa offered me an obviously forced smile. 

"I get it, Katie, but let's not dwell on the negative stuff." she says, still faking the smile, "There are better things to talk about. Like, have you seen the latest episode of our favorite show that came out recently?"

I felt dismissed, and I struggled to hide my disappointment. 

"I just thought I could count on you as a friend." I say, softly. 

Alexa shifted from foot to foot. 

"Look, I'm just not good with heavy stuff." Alexa says, awkwardly, "Let's keep it light, okay?"

I nodded. I should've seen it coming that Alexa isn't the friend she used to be anymore. Alexa quickly changed the topic again but I continued to focus on the fact that she had just left me to navigate my troubles on my own. Even after she had promised in middle school that we wouldn't have to do anything on our own. I wasn't sure what was worse, having my only friend be a fake one, or having no friends. They both seemed pretty bad to me.