Steps of Courage

Chapter 16

The next morning, the tension between mom and I lingered like an uninvited guest. I was allowed back in the kitchen, so I was making myself some breakfast when she let out a heavy - very noticeable - sigh. 

"Katie, we need to talk about yesterday." Mom said, sternly, "Avoiding the issue won't make it disappear."

I braced myself, ready for another argument. 

"Fine, let's talk." I say, my voice shaking. 

Mom was visibly frustrated, as she paced around the room. 

"I just don't understand why you can't meet my expectations." Mom says, angrily, "You're wasting the opportunities I provided for you."

My patience was wearing thin, and I was struggling to find the words to express my side of the story. 

"Mom, I'm not trying to disappoint you." I say, teary-eyed, "College is hard, and I'm doing my best. Can't you see that?"

"Your best isn't good enough." Mom says, dismissively. "You need to do better. I won't accept this mediocre nonsense."

I felt cornered, and the frustration was seeping into my words.

"Maybe I'm not living up to your expectations because they're unrealistic!" I said, angrily. "I can't be perfect, Mom."

The room fell silent. Mom was still holding onto her beliefs and standing there glaring at me. 

"I won't accept excuses, Katie." Mom says, firmly. "You need to figure this out, and fast." 

I grabbed my stuff and stormed out of the house, I couldn't stay in that room any longer. I felt trapped in there, and the pressure of the expectations mom was setting for me was making me struggle to breathe. I felt yet again emotionally drained and I wished I could find a solution and things could go back to normal, if they ever originally were. 

I found Alexa again. I hoped that even despite our previous interactions, that she would understand my struggles and help me. 

"Alexa, I really need someone to talk to." I say, softly, after she greets me with a forced smile, "Things with my mom are getting worse, and I don't know what to do."

Alexa, who was on her phone the whole time, looked up for a second before looking straight back at her phone again. 

"Katie, seriously?" Alexa asked, sighing, "I'm dealing with some major drama right now too."

I pushed on, if she didn't listen to me yesterday I'm not going to listen to her until she listens to me. I know that sounds horrible but it seemed right in my head. 

"I know, but I feel so alone." I say, pleading. "Can you just listen for a moment?"

Alexa waved her hand in my face dismissively. 

"Fine, make it quick." Alexa says, impatiently. "My problems are way bigger than yours, you know."

I was shocked at Alexa's lack of sympathy. I was taken aback and it made me hesitate for a second before speaking again. 

"My mom and I are constantly fighting." I say, teary-eyed, "It's affecting everything, and I don't know how to handle it."

Alexa rolled her eyes, looking very plainly uninterested. 

"Ugh, fighting with your mom is like, so normal." Alexa says, scoffing, "You'll get over it. Now, listen to this; my mom stopped driving me to school. Can you believe it? Gas is so expensive, and now I have to deal with it on my own!"

I was shocked by Alexa's attitude towards my problems. Especially when in my head her's seemed so little in comparison. Bree had done something to her mind, since they were friends she hasn't been the same. 

"Alexa, this isn't just a normal fight." I say, softly, "It's tearing me apart. I need someone to talk to, someone who understands."

Alexa was too focused on her own problems to hear what I was saying, instead she just brushed me off. 

"Katie, you're being so dramatic." Alexa says, sighing dramatically, "Just deal with your mom stuff. It's not that big of a deal." 

She continued to explain all about how her problem was the end of her life and that she wasn't going to be able to eat again because gas prices would take up all of her spending money. I told her not to joke about going starving because that was what had happened to me, and she told me again that I was being too dramatic. 

As I listened to her ramble on about how her life was ending I felt so alone, so lost and alone. I realized once and for all that I wasn't going to get the support I needed from Alexa and the longer I sat with my feelings, the more the sadness turned into anger. I zoned back in and Alexa was somehow still talking about her problem, and so I retreated before I had the chance to snap at her. The further from Alexa I got, the angrier I got, until even the thought of her made my blood boil, hearing her name made me see red, and seeing her face made me want to cry. 

I felt like a horrible person for feeling like that but every time I tried to stop the feelings, I couldn't. I just couldn't understand how someone as kind as Alexa had been before she met Bree, could change so quickly in the matter of a couple months. She went from my closest friend, to someone just pretending to care about me, and I didn't understand how the change had happened so quickly... but for some reason instead of feeling sad like normal, those emotions were just slowly all being replaced with a burning anger. I was going to snap soon if I didn't get it off my chest, I needed to talk to her, but how?