Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

★ { Trilogy } Tangled Claws

Reviewer: TheManofFiction

Client: msleeria

Dialogue

The character's spoken interactions could use some work. At the start, you have the characters preparing for the trip, though we don't really see where they are. Also, they're just exchanging their thoughts on a trip they've already spent some time planning, which is fine. What bothers me is the execution. To be honest with you, I had a hard time finding the words to explain why their dialogue sounds robotic, but it does. What can I compare it to... Rookie actors thrown into a play, given the task of stating their excitement about a particular event in a very explicit manner so everyone watching can quickly get the gist of their intentions. It doesn't feel organic, natural. I mean, it's fine if they are excited, but it's not much of an intro.

For one, how could we get a deeper understanding of who they are as people? Their personalities, interests, backgrounds, everyday life, perhaps social status? All these things will go into building a unique human being. But here we have what looks to be blank slates - an open canvas where the true likeness and presence of the character should be.

You can introduce all these aspects of a person (and do so gradually throughout the story), with the things they wear, how they talk, their habits, likes and dislikes, etc... But right now, there's not much that sets them apart, asides from Seraphina's leadership and heightened awareness.

Just an extra idea - I know theres werewolves in this story. This can be like Narnia where we just have ordinary people thrown into a world that wasn't foreshadowed, throwing them into an adventure they didn't ask for. However, it would be a neat detail if you hinted at some urban legend or old story that could get our expectations going. Just a personal sidenote here. Many stories don't do this, yet are successful.

I'm keeping this review short, but I went in to review some more chapters.

I've read the chapter with the fire pit. First off - an interesting addition to their culture. Wolves of all ages like playing these games, as it builds their bond and their hunting skills. Pretty neat. There are, however, a few issues.

First off, you mention all the games going on in some fire pit. So they're... in the fire pit? The way I imagined it was a hole in the ground, blazing with flames. Not exactly the safest place to play. I suggest adding more descriptive imagery. Pmay with the senses. What does the characters feel, touch, hear, smell? What does a pit of fire have to do with the games? Did it serve a purpose?

You also mentioned the presence of "bare men". At the scene. Bare, writing in that way, would mean naked. Is that what you meant? Also, if they hunt in their wolf form, why do they play the games, which is used to sharpen their skills, in their human form?

At the arrival at Luna, you were quick to introduce the love triangle cliche in your book. Now I need to be honest - the wolf pack romance has probably been done a few times before. That's okay, execution is all that matters. But now you're throwing another cliche into the mix.

I'm not trying to sound rude, but you need to see how you can make this story stand out. But I'm not saying you can't add a love triangle. Love triangles at their core are neither good nor bad for your writing. But you created this tension... quite hastily. She loves Mason. She probably has a good reason for loving him too, since they've known each other for years. As for her and duke, it's only been for a couple days, maybe less. Already you have Sera feel a romantic attachment to Duke. You may say it isn't a romantic feeling yet, but if Sera shows concern over him and Luna... that's probably what it is.

What would be an interesting way of carrying out the love triangle trope in your story, would be if Sera, AT FIRST, didn't care much for Duke (romantic wise). He is a good friend, and a trusty protector and teacher. But that's all he is in Sera's eyes, for the time being. Luna, on the other hand, likes him, and sees Sera with a twinge of concern that increases as time goes on. The three go through hardships, being hunted and fighting for their community. As this happens, Sera proves her abilities and loyalty to the pack, while growing a deeper bond with Duke through conflict and protecting each other. As the plot progresses, and the two help each other throughout, healing both emotional and physical damage (being vague here), Sera actually begins to LOVE him. To WANT him. Because like Mason, she now sees a future with him.

And while this is happening, Luna sees them getting closer. She gets more jealous as time goes on, and tries to woo Duke, or sabatoge Sera in some way. Maybe you don't want Luna to be an antagonist. I understand if that's your intention. But the bottom line is - let the closeness, the attachment of the characters grow organically. You can say Sera feels connected right away because of their wolf nature, but (to me) that just seems like an excuse to speed up the romance.

I believe you can add more to their culture. So far, you haven't mentioned where they came from. Wouldn't Sera ask why she hadn't heard anything of their existence? Wouldn't Sera ask the wolves to help her friends who were stranded in the woods? Sera forgot about them quite quickly, which gives the impression that her friends don't concern her so much. (This could add some interesting tension. She likes the pack. They're friendly to her and healed her. But they want her to stay. Yet, she sneaks out of the pack in the attempts to find her friends - assuming they say no to her plea for help. Her being found out about her plans could create a rift, of sorts, and complicate their relationship)

That may go against your plans, but remember that a story changes as we write it. A story is alive. It breathes and moves. It isn't a static thing bound by our expectation of what happens chronologically (we are not the puppeteers of our world, only the viewer). Why? You gotta look at all the variables, the psyche of the minds of your characters, the underlying issues and the severity of them, the conflicting goals of the characters - all these things decide what the characters do, and in turn, how the plot progresses. And truly, what makes sense for the characters to do doesn't always coincide with what we thought was gonna happen. And that's okay. Embrace the challenge. Embrace the nuance. Explore the possibilities your world and characters allow to be possible. Don't put a cork on your characters and plot to make it go perfectly in the direction you want. See what happens. (Of course, you can change world building aspects, and add characters to make something work, but don't be too forceful. You can also go back and edit the personality of the characters. I did that too, but don't let that be so obvious - the character being one way in one scene, and another in the next.)

Yeah, it sounds like a lot, you just need to gain a sense for all these things with practice.

I would also suggest adding some lore. Where do they originate? Why are there werewolves? How does their history influence their culture?

You shouldn't explain all of this immediately, but through time. But in the start, show us more about what they do that is unique. You already solidified some nuances, I just think you could expand on it.