Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

★ { June } A Secondary School Survivor

Client: MissRut

Reviewer: june_berrin

Thank you so much for giving me the chance and for trusting me to review your story.

It was a well-written story.

❥ Title/Cover: A nice cover. I love the color scheme used. The title written on the cover is visible and not overdone. I have to say that it is a beautiful cover, giving out soft vibes. The title is right, but I believe you could get a bit more creative with it so that it is more attractive to the readers. The cover too could do some modifications.

❥ Blurb: I like the start of your blurb; it seems good. Your blurb gives out just the right amount of information—not too much and not too little—a perfect balance. But I would suggest rephrasing the sentences more and breaking down the long ones into smaller ones. As some of the sentences gave out too much information all at once, it seemed muddled and hazy to the reader. Other than that, the blurb is great, especially the last line.

❥ Storyline: The story seems to be a bit confusing to me at first. There were too many unfamiliar words. There were also some punctuational errors. You need to work on sentence structuring to make the story flow smoothly. Other than that, I like the tinge of humor that you have incorporated into the story, as well as the dialogue. They are intelligent and fun to read. Moving on to the story: I find it all quite puzzling. I'm not sure whether there's a language barrier here, but you appear to utilize terms like 'Abi o', 'Ehn', etc. Not only that but many new terms are being launched, such as Mirror World and others. Also, I have no idea what is going on in the story. I believe you should include additional scenery representations and insight into the MC's thoughts as she introduces us to the story so that readers may feel more comfortable with and grasp the plot. The opening chapter is vital in determining if a reader wants to read this narrative. So you need to pique their interest and draw them.

❥ Writing style: A lot of improvement has to be made in that section. The senses are structured so weirdly that it brings a cloudy coherency to the table. I recommend that you read the books of other successful authors and try to grasp their writing style, see how they express their ideas in words, and how they structure their structure to ensure a smooth reading so that it might give you ideas and aid you in the betterment of your writing style.

❥ Characters: I have taken a quick liking to Duna's mother, Neka. She seems to be a great woman with a touch of empathy and humor, and she seems realistic. I also dot Neka's carefree attitude, her overall style, her hair, and all. I am sensing a strong MC, which is absolutely one of the most favorite types of MCs these days. Above all, I love your dialogues; they give out a lot about the characters and are well-written.

❥ Grammar and Vocabulary: This seems to be one of your weakest areas. You need to work a lot on your grammar and punctuation. There are so many; even in the first line of your story, you mention them. I recommend that you seek the help of an editor or an online site like Grammarly or Quilbot to write them all out. I will give one example:

Original: "Duna, remember everything I taught you okay? Make mummy and daddy happy. Don't let anyone take you for granted my dear", Neka said to her eleven-year-old daughter as she fished in her pocket for any more Daria notes she could hold on to, not trusting the house mother with her pocket money.

Edited: "Duna, remember everything I taught you, okay? Make Mummy and Daddy happy. Don't let anyone take you for granted, my dear," Neka said to her eleven-year-old daughter as she fished in her pocket for any more Daria notes she could hold on to, not trusting the house mother with her pocket money.
(I have made some changes here, mainly regarding the punctuation.)

❥ Conclusion: First off, your story has potential; it has a soundtrack of its own. It seems original and would attract a lot if you were to polish it well, edit it, add more scenes, have an attractive title, or do anything else. You seem to have the upper hand in the dialogue area.

but it flails in grammar, so I think you need to focus on it a bit more. And that would be it. If any of my words hurt you or if I have misinterpreted anything, then I sincerely apologize; that was never my intention. Remember that no author gets a beautiful, perfect draft the first time they write it; they edit it over and over again the more they learn. So I hope you have had a great day.

Best Wishes🌻