a glimmer of hope

27.

Season 5 x 12
A False Glimmer

i sat in the hospital chapel, bent over, praying.
"what's happening?" i shouted, walking into the hospital room.
"he's hemorrhaging"
they began wheeling his gurney out.
"god, no this can't be happening"
"we need to take him to the or"
"fuck"
"how bad?"
the nurse looked me in the eyes and nodded her head.
i shook my head, a few tears falling out of my eyes. i begged god to save quinn.
even though it was selfish.
a body sat next to me, placing a hand on my back.
"cassandra" she whispered
it was carrie.
"i heard you stopped the attacks" i choked
a couple hours prior, i saw on the news that a gas attack going on in the subway station was stopped. by her.
i looked up at her, one of her eyes was glassy.
"yeah"
she rubbed my back and i looked back down at my lap.
i let out a couple more tears.
"oh god" i sighed, remembering what the doctor told me.

four days later ———

i opened the door to quinn's recovery room. although, an unfamiliar man sat in the chair, asleep.
i pulled up a stool, sitting next to quinn.
four days ago, he got out of surgery from his emergency craniotomy. he was breathing on his own, but it wasn't looking good to say the least. i mean, his brain function.
the man woke up, standing up on the other side of the gurney.
"cassandra artiti?" he asked
i looked up at him
"i've heard a lot about you" he smiled
i tilted my head "are you dar adal?"
he nodded his head
"likewise, then"
dar adal looked exactly how i pictured him in my head.
"what's the prognosis?"
i shook my head "not good"
"if he doesn't progress in the next couple days, they're moving his status down"
"meaning?"
"meaning it would be likely that he won't recover with regular cognitive functioning"
"god" he sighed
"in some ways i think the CIA ruined his life but i don't think that's really true" i smiled
"he was born to do it" daar said, matter- of - factly.
"i recruited him when he was just sixteen"
"foster kid" i nodded
"yeah, the agency was looking for a kid off the streets"
"someone with a pretty face to negotiate with people"
"i trained him"
"he was a natural"
"very successful, too"
"yeah, i bet he was"
i looked down
"he was going to quit the CIA a handful of times"
"wanted me to help him get out"
i looked up at him "i think it's you that stopped him from doing so"
adal reached for his pocket, pulling out an envelope.
"you were his beneficiary when he went to syria"
i took the white envelope with my name on it.
"i don't know if it's too early or not"
"i know you meant a lot to him"
i shook my head "i still can't believe someone did this to him"
"me either" he shrugged
"i thank you for all your help, cassandra"
"without you, i don't even know if we would've found him"
"i'll call you in a couple days for an update if that's okay"
"of course" i nodded
as he walked out of the room, carrie walked in.
"cassandra, i just wanted to say goodbye before i leave"
i raised my eyebrow up at her "you're going?"
"yeah, i'm going to see my daughter" she nodded
"i'm really sorry for everything"
she waved her hand around the air.
"i feel like i did this to him"
"and i feel like you two need your space now"
i nodded my head
"thanks for your help"
"yeah" i sighed
"i mean it, without you me probably wouldn't of found him and we'd all be dead by now"
i didn't say anything.
i tan my hand though my hair.
"can i have a minute, carrie?"
"of course you can" she nodded, closing the door behind her.
i held onto peters hand, opening the envelop with my other. i unfolded the letter.

cass,
if you're reading this, i'm done. we never really happened either, then. i mean in the fact that i didn't get to see you down the aisle or anything. you'd be the first to know that i'm not one for words. somehow, they're coming to me now. i don't believe in fate, destiny or that horoscope stuff. you can't really be surprised that things turned out this way though. you were always something that pulled me out of the darkness. something that made me rethink why i do the shit i do. at the end of the day, what i do never allowed me to experience real things. never let me have a real life or real love. that was for normal people and everyone knows that was i do is far from normal. with you there was a glimmer. reading this now you know maybe it was a false glimmer. i'm used to those, they happen all the time in the desert. this one got to me though. this death, the end of me is exactly what should've happened. i guess i wanted that darkness. i fucking asked for it. it has me now. cass, don't say some big speech or let anyone put a star on the wall for me. just think of me as light on the heavens. because that's where i'll be. a beacon steering you away from all the wrongs in life. i love you more than anything, cass. and i wish i could've spent my whole life with you. - yours for always now.
quinn.