🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

4. Thorns 🥀

It ended like the brush of the wind, drifting away easily from everyone's mind what state Kim was in for two days. Even Porchay thought that in the end the way Kim's eyes were crying was just an error of interpretation from him. It should have been because he didn't know him enough. He had speculated but his change in behavior convinced the younger boy that all of his worries were nothing. So much was happening in the secret doors hidden by the irrational and the manipulative minds. It wasn't easy to see it, it was disguised really well, but it also had little thorns and those ones couldn't always be hidden away.

Everything happened in cycles. It would go up and down, always hoping for a better up but always going down, deeper, making it hard to not feel even worse about everything. About himself. About who he was. About who he was seeing through the words and actions of the other one. The other one, the other one shaping him as he needed to satisfy his manipulative mind.

It happened again. It was meant to happen again. It was different. Kim wasn't waiting after his phone. He was just profoundly focused on controlling his face to not let anything be seen and it was the worst move because his efforts could be spotted. Porchay had time, since days, to understand his co-workers better. Yok was energetic and had a soft motherly energy. He loved to be pampered by her words, he missed his own mother he could barely remember. 

Chan was still the same. Clumsy and funny, tender and friendly. Kim was. Kim was and it was enough. He didn't express a lot. Porchay couldn't learn much about him even if he was always near him. This was why when Kim tried to hide something it was obvious. The mask he was wearing to hide something was just showing clearly that something was wrong. And it had only been some days since the last time it happened. It didn't alarm Porchay, in fact, because he didn't know that the reason for his two physical breakdowns was the same person.

"P'Kim." Porchay called him, coming back from his pause. He didn't take anyone, still glued to his work. He was standing up next to him, a cup of coffee in his hand.

"You need something, Chay?" He said moving his head toward him, meeting the cup first.

"Is it this one...right ?" He asked.

"It is...yes...thank you..." Kim answered, taking it, wondering how Porchay could easily remember his own favorite drink. He never talked about it, just bought it everydays but this day was one of those he didn't take care of himself. He wasn't aware that in a way he was kinda condemning his behavior which shouldn't have been condemned in the first place. Kim sipped on the hot cup of coffee with delight and Porchay could see, from his own chair, that he was really enjoying it. He might even enjoy his day better. 

But it ended soon when a message came from his phone. He looked at it and his small amount of delight got crushed away, his eyes finding their way back to the self hatred he had developed since this morning. It really looked as if he couldn't stand himself even if he was obligated to be someone to hate, yet it was directed to his own being. Able to hate to only suffer strongly by that ability against his own heart.

He ate again a chemical food.

It was concerning how the events were just repeated again. But no one thought about it again too. No time meant no fresh food. Like everyone. It didn't mean anything else. Though the thorns were more showing that day. It wasn't seen but felt from the inside, that they were stabbing more profundly than usual. Kim went directly to work. He didn't wait for them. He excused himself before going away. Porchay pouted. "Why, you already miss Kim?" Chan mocked with an interested expression.

"No. I just wonder why he looks this sad. " Porchay answered without panicking and Chan's game was now less enjoyable.

"It happens." Yok added, eyeing Chan.

"Do you know why Phi?"

"No..." She said with a disappointed expression. "I wish I knew but Kim is so secret about him. "

Porchay nodded. He also saw it, how Kim was discreet, how he looked calm even if he could play harsh the second after. Though he wondered if being like this meant that he should be left alone when he showed signs wanting to be left alone. Someone always around people and energetic wanting to be left alone would worried everyone, but Kim, no one would, not because they didn't love him, just because it looked more logical for him to keep secrets, even if he might want to talk too. Porchay was the only one to ask about Kim, to wonder, to think that he would want to ask him personally. If he was alright, at least, he would know that it was okay to talk to him. Porchay was okay to help Kim, Chan or Yok, if they wanted.

—-

"Chay, do you have the third document?" Chan had asked.

"Oohhhh yes! I have it here." He said joyfully, sending it to him.

"And Kim, do you have the fourth one ?...Kim...Kim?" He asked repeatedly, the boy just not moving at all.

"Ye-yes? Sorry...euuuuh, I have it. " He said sending it too. "I am going to th restroom." He added standing up.

Yok looked at him, suddenly more worried than before, suddenly thinking that he might really feel bad. "Do you think that we should go see him, Chay?" She turned her head around meeting the empty space. He was already walking after him.

"He was more rapid. You are getting old." Chan mocked loudly, before receiving a pen thrown at his face.

"Work before being a clown." She scolded him but her eyes were already far away, thinking of the two boys who left their posts.

—--

Kim was looking at the mirror. Looking at himself. Looking at his horrible self. His despictable nature. And he played his face, he trained to keep control on his face. Nothing happened. Everything was alright. And everything would come back as it was. He didn't need to worry this much. He just accumulated mistakes and he was worried, so worried that he would become unbearable to date. That he would be left because who would love someone making so many errors. Errors. He was an error. His guilt was so strong that he couldn't stop it from being visible when he didn't want to let anything out.

 And it was weird, this feeling he always had, this feeling that something, some words, were not quite something he should have heard and yet he was, but soon the soothing melody added above it was making it normal. And he was for the result, the one not being normal. He breathed in and out, not witnessing, his eyes closed, Porchay coming. When he opened them, he eyed him a little too harshly. Porchay began to feel guilty too. "I-I am sorry- P'Kim- I- just...wanted to know if you were alright..."

Kim's expression got warmer, he was just surprised and he was even relieved that it was Porchay and not someone else who might have begin to spread rumors for the pleasure of gossiping. "Sorry, Chay, it's not against you. I am okay." He said in his usual calm voice, beginning to walk.

"Then, who is it against?" He naturally asked.

Kim stopped just next to Porchay. The first answer that came to his mind was "myself". But he wouldn't say this out loud, he couldn't. He didn't know why it was stuck in his throat.

"Sorry...I-...I am trespassing but...I am just worried..." Porchay said thinking that his silence was the sign he went too far.

"No...thank you for...for thinking about me..." He said patting Porchay's shoulders.

"Is it...your boyfriend?" Kim's expression was shocked. "I mean...Chan said that you cook for him...and each time you feel out...you don't cook anymore... I was just wondering...
"

Kim found a door. He found a door to just escape from the conversation. "We had a little fight but it's okay, it will be okay, thank you for asking." He added before going away and Porchay couldn't see his face but if he had seen it, he might have witnessed the thorns for five seconds. The five seconds were Kim's rational mind tried to get away from its prison and tell everything before the manipulated part took control all over again.

It was okay. It would get better.

He loves me.

And the definition of love got lost, translated and printed in Kim's head by someone who genuinely couldn't give any love to him.