🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

10. He is back 🥀

The harsh words said with an angel face were literally moving freely in his head as Kim was going home. He had no time to prepare for this, no time to put his barriers on. He also had all the guilt possible, it was totally his fault. It was him. He had talked badly to Porchay and he didn't take it well. It was pretty much a logical reaction. However, he didn't think that the boy would answer harshly as well the day after. He didn't think that he could witness such an amount of anger in Porchay's pupils, on his face. He just stood there, he just stood and looked at him walking away. His back. His back just turning at him. And Kim hated this, he hated this.

"P'Kim...you can't come and be like this....you can't just be angry...you can't at all...you can't continue...we can't continue P'Kim. Also, I don't know...I don't know if I will be able to support this much more..." Porchay said, looking straight at Kim and looking like a rock, looking so strong but strong against Kim and he hated this. He had nothing to say. He had nothing to say anymore. He stayed there and Porchay walked away. And Kim had this violent emotion inside. He had the awful and horrible instinct that Porchay might disappear from his life, he had his heart throbbing of fear. He gulped down. And he couldn't from his side see how much Porchay was not feeling good, see how much he regreted all he said. But reaching Yok and Chan, he became even more insecure.

"Are you...sure ?" He asked them, looking desperate.

"We are...you did well Chay." Chan said, tapping his back.

"You did." Yok bit her lips. They were persuaded that if someone would be able to make react Kim, it would be Porchay. He was the one to be close of the boy, he was the one to be patient with the youngest one and Porchay was returning this to him. It should work, it was their hope to not break their relationship with Kim. He needed to calm down and to let them in, but Kim might only be able to open his door to Porchay.

He hated this. He hated this. In his bed, looking at his ceiling, Kim felt terrified. He didn't eat, he didn't do anything more than showering and he was thinking. He was just scared, thinking about Porchay, thinking about his back. He expressed such an ultimatum, not because it was violent, it wasn't a slap, but it still punched his guts, it twisted his stomach, it brought pain and torture to his brain. He was already feeling that Porchay might leave him, not support him anymore.

They were close, not too close but really close. Kim was soothed around him, he was feeling that he could lean on the boy. He was smiling better and his chest was less heavy. This was a fact. They had a great friendship, still a work one, but they also went to some places out of the official hours and he loved every second of those times.

The more he was thinking about it, the more his chest felt stroke by a terror, one huge terror about losing Porchay. Because of himself, because of his behavior. He would lost him, he would only be able to cry, he was going to let him go or like he felt that Porchay wouldn't be able to appreciate him anymore. He was going to miss his eyes, his expression, his laugh, his whole existence. Kim's eyes became teary. He felt the drop falling rapidly on his cheeks. It was warm but Porchay was even warmer and those cries were as if the boy's warmth was already being erased from him. Terror.

A terror. An awful emotions. A terror.

Terror. Terror. Heavy breath. Heavy weight on his chest. Heavy, everything so heavy. He just wanted it to end he couldn't let this happen he didn't want to lose him not again not this and he realized that he wasn't crying because of Porchay's going away, he was crying because he was scared and terrified to lose him because of what he was emotional struggling with it just spread his heart open and his brain. 

It just opened some doors, he was angry, he was sad, he wad feeling that it was because of himself, he was guilty, he was such a miserable human and it was hard to breath it was so hard to keep his calm shaking uncontrollably and crying, sobbing more and more and it just was an emotional pain of an experience he already had before and it was just an heavyness he had felt so harshly too, this harshly that Porchay was enough, he was so much that he couldn't lost Porchay, he was such a comfort that loosing him brought him to where he had been years ago, that night.

It was all clear now. Totally. Clear.

That awful night. That terrifying night. The scariness going through his veins. The violence strangling his heart. And those hands, those eyes which had hurt him so much. And that demon appearing above him and that shadow he had closed behind a jail in his brain but which was free now and began its menace, again.

Kim curled up on himself. Under the sheets. He was trying to just protect himself frop what he was remembering. He was just getting all of the informations he had wanted to burry deeply and to never look at it again. Kim's sobs were so awful to his ears. He felt so small and such a mess, such at fault, such a failure and he knew now.

He knew that the demon wasn't back, it had just never left him. It was hidden, deeply, it was taking away by his mind protecting himself, at least thinking, and now it was out.

And he had no idea how to survive.

But he knew what he could say to Porchay. He was dying to tell him. He wanted to reach his heart again, hoping that he wouldn't let him fall more in the claws of hell.