🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

7. Messages 🔏

It happened like the flash of a picture, like the light of a car suddenly blowing up every clear view in the night. And yet it was still here, the darkness, the dark, not disappearing because it was shown, only sinking more in his heart and throwing up through his skin, felt under every inch of his existence.

It gave him goosebumps and made him want to puke. It put up all of his body hair in a horrifying memory of what happened and how it happened. It was in front of him but didn't see it. It was in front of him but he couldn't realize and it threw himself, naturally under that car to be smashed, smashed because it was too shocking to react and smashed to the point of for a moment, not minding, just understanding how much of a nightmare was this man. Not going further, feeling kinda proud witnessing that he was out of this now, but he was in. He also was in before. He didn't and couldn't be out alone. And even if he didn't have the will to take care of it now, it was already beginning to work inside of his brain. He felt hopeless and helpless, safe and yet still feeling in so much danger.

Porchay just sent : "P'Kim...it kept making me think but how could you cook for someone that much if you hated this?"

"Well, he loved someone cooking so..."

Porchay behind his phone began to wonder, to really read through the red lines Kim could never see before. He wondered how to make Kim talk more about it, they were only coworkers and it was a complicated personal subject. He settled for a soft approach.

"And was there a sign of him leaving you?"

Kim stared at his phone. He stared and couldn't do much, couldn't just close it but also couldn't answer immediately to it. He just stayed, stayed. Stayed. His thumb moved around the screen, hesitating. Kim felt a huge pressure on his chest, he suddenly felt as if something wanted to be out, as if something was chained and couldn't be quiet anymore. And yet it was quiet around him, they were quiet inside of him too, the scattered parts, but they wanted to find their way on the puzzle even if the form wouldn't mean something clear for this moment. Kim sighed. Breathed loudly and let his thumb brush over the screen, touch it, see the letters. Meaning being thoughtfully built, not totally free, chains opened but still sounding loud when he was walking inside.

"I just...messed up always. It was my fault."

"P'Kim, did he ever make you feel bad for something you thought wasn't your fault?"

Kim didn't answer. Porchay sent : "if you don't want to answer this it is okay."

"No, it's okay." Kim sent, keeping for himself that it was making him feel better to share a little and also that he wouldn't have been able to do it in person, messages like this were better. And the fact that Porchay showed his concern before was helping. He wasn't really trusting him but he had no one, or at least no one he would be able to talk freely about such personal things. He might make a mistake, Porchay might not be someone good for him, but right now he felt listened to and he wanted to be listened to, to imagine his eyes attentively looking at his answers and asking more, and being interested. His opening to the world was suddenly so breathtaking that he wanted to just dive in it. He already felt drowning.

"Kinda...I mean last time he told me how important it was to communicate, and when he was away for some days for work he just didn't give me any news for three days."

"That isn't kind." Kim laughed reading it, his way of talking was kinda sweet but his heart cried reading the reste remembering. "And how did he react?"

"He told me that I shouldn't listen to all that he said."

"That is bullshit. P'Kim he said north and south at the same time."

"Maybe."

"Did he do something else?"

Kim looked at the screen. Thought about what he felt. What was his brain telling him about those past weeks? What was making his nerves throbbing because it didn't feel right now, because Porchay put it out for some seconds and everything just exploded.

"He told me that I was too jealous but I don't know, you know, he talked about that person he met and he was so amazing and I was I don't know feeling so insecure."

"P'Kim he sounded manipulative."

Kim looked at the screen. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. He was kinda dumbfounded. Maybe all he felt, maybe his discomfort was real. Maybe his weird feeling was the right one, and he didn't listen to it. Kim felt empty. Empty and tricked. Trapped. He didn't know it was weird, so weird, weird, different. Different from what he thought it was and still so blurry. Foggy. He didn't know what to think or what to feel. He could be "manipulative", did that mean that Kim was manipulated?

Was all a lie ?

Was all a fake reality?

Was he stupid?

What was behind everything ?

He felt his heart burning, burning from what he thought was love but was nothing more than a stage he didn't know he was in. Everything was so unclear. Everything was so weird. Weird. It felt so weird. And his body suddenly shivered in the middle of the night. And he began to be scared. And his mind shaked, understanding better than his mind could think about it. He was trembling, hugging himself. And Kim was just crying, sobbing loudly but quietly. Really quietly because he was scared to be heard, heard by himself. And he still didn't know why he cried. If it was because he knew already what happened or if he was still mourning the love he thought was real.