🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

13. Step by step 🫂

"What do I do now?"

Kim mostly asked that question to Porchay, knowing he wouldn't know more than himself, he stopped his mouth from asking but as if the boy had understood he had smiled gently and said: "Let's see, step by step". And it was real that Kim was seeing now, witnessing, feeling, everything so clearly. He never had felt this bad and this good for years, at the same time. His puzzled identity was finally one, he had every piece out. He remembered, slowly but surely, the whole experience his brain had erased, or more like hidden behind the windows of ignorance. Some curtains were opened sometimes, but nothing more. Now the whole light was highlighting the inside but it was darker than ever. Kim was a puddle of heaviness, emotionally trying to survive.

He was himself, totally himself, he had been scattered but not anymore and deep inside he had a strong feeling of getting back home, of not inventing himself anymore, he didn't have to, he didn't have to stay far away from who he was. It was a thing that Kim stayed away from that part of his brain because he didn't want to acknowledge it and he stayed away from a part of himself because he really didn't want to feel the self he was when it happened. 

He hated this one. For sure, it was his fault if it happened so better play under a mask the musical notes which would soothe his life. It never had been a conscious choice. He knew that he kinda had thought winning over the situation, when he had just buried it. But he had no idea that he had lost a part of himself in the process. He knew better Kim from the past than Kim now, and with all of the new information he got he felt that he would clearly love better the Kim from the future, the one who would learn to love himself again, the one who would live with it, going ahead but not ignoring it.

He got the strange realization that it would never disappear, never be away, never fade, it couldn't fade when it hurt him this bad, this pain couldn't fade at all, it could only hurt less not no more. And the voice was always coming back, always and always, and the more intriguing thing about this was that it was his own. It wasn't the words said by this man, it was the one he had said which had been believed and carved in his own brain, his brain who was now the one to repeat them. It was like a circle, a really vicious circle and sometimes it was coming, most of the time not announced. Most of the time at night when the voices could easily take the train to his heart.

Because it happened. Because it happened, either he let it happen or he deserved it to happen. Because it happened either he was the victim, either he was the culprit, the voices picking always the second choice. Because it happened he didn't have been strong enough, because it happened he was a failure, because it happened he wasn't loved, he wasn't good enough, he wasn't this or that but he was for sure the worst. He had been an object, a thing, a sex toy, a play, an idiot, he had been just something to use and to throw away when he wasn't letting the game happen. It was really weird and Kim was always trying to fight those parts of him. Late at night, trying deeply to stop sobbing, trying to not panic when Porchay was answering differently or when someone else was doing it too.

Kim was fearing love but he was most of all fearing to never be able to be loved again. He had this strong point of view inside of him about love not existing and not feeling it like existing. It couldn't exist after what he lived, after being smashed like this, after being driven over his heart, he couldn't believe in it anymore. He also didn't want to believe in it anymore, it hurt enough the first time. Kim was witnessing couples and wondered how could they just trust each other like this, it felt unreal, so unreal and he was in reality. Such in a dark reality.

Kim was even terrified by love, he didn't want to be loved but the paradox was that he wanted. He still wanted but it looked impossible, first because his opinion of himself was really low and second because it couldn't happen to him. It was his truth, he was a love zone man and he didn't ask for this, at all. He was flying between multiple planets, the one hating himself, the one hating that man, the one wanting love, the one rejecting love, the one feeling like a victim, the one feeling guilty and much more.