🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

12. The strongest one ❤️‍🔥

(Hi 🥺 how are you? Sending you so much love 💗✨️ thank you so much for reading 🫠 take care 💗 love you💗)

Kim's flesh was sensitive, so sensitive, and he felt that it was exposed, exposed more than it had ever been before. He just felt vulnerable and he rejected that word, keeping sight that he wasn't that fragile, it wasn't him, it wasn't what his family was thinking about him. He was strong, he was raised to be like a storm in the middle of thunder, but he felt like rain now. A dry rain, because he didn't allow himself to break down, not now that he was free, crying didn't feel like a win in that situation.

Kim was sat on the bed, his back against the wall and Porchay was in the same spot, next to him, his hand on Kim's knee, he had trouble to talk but when this touch happened, he felt reassured and put all of his last restrain behind that hand on his knee, he wouldn't fall. Not anymore. Not now that Porchay was supporting him. He felt the urgency to talk, taking control over his brain and he couldn't put himself under that strength anymore. He was becoming liquid and not like ice, not the way he was seeing himself. He was strong and smart. He felt weak and dumb. So idiotic to fall into this kind of trap. And the more he talked the less he felt good to be in his own identity.

"If you don't want to talk it's okay P'Kim..." Porchay said, witnessing his silence.

"No...no...I...just don't know what to begin with...I mean...I guess that I don't want to...be that weak..."

"You aren't weak...not at all..."

"Chay, I felt that something was wrong...I felt it and I just didn't react...I was so dumb...so so dumb...and just-"

"P'Kim, you weren't ! If it's manipulation, it is for something right..."

"It doesn't change the fact that everything was made because of me...normally I would have never let people act like this with me..never..."

"So...what did you appreciate in him? Porchay asked, leaning his head on Kim's shoulder.

"What...what...just...the softness...I guess. I am not from a communicative family, but him...that bitch was just direct but comforting...he was....I felt that he understood me...and even if I didn't give sign of me loving sunset he still made me the surprise to give me one early in the morning...I just...he just gave me what I hoped for and I fell so easily...pathetic..."

"That's not pathetic...to get you he needed to give you exactly what you wanted..."

"It doesn't change the fact that I just...I just...hid, said nothing...I just...run to him and I couldn't talk about it...I don't know it felt as if...I knew so if I talked it would end, that person would end him...and I have people in my family to end people." He laughed. "But...all I did was listen...and think that everything was my fault...he was always, always turning everything against me...always..."

"I can explain why you couldn't talk P'Kim...unconsciously you might begin to believe that it was your fault...so you couldn't talk...also...if he showed signs of it getting better...after the storm I mean, it was just continuing the circle..."

"I don't understand...if it was this bad why didn't I just...end it...I never let anyone have their way with me like this..."

"Maybe the perfection they gave you...you didn't want to let it go...and if you worked for it to come back...it will still be here..."

Kim stayed silent, he leaned too against Porchay, trying to stay calm, trying to not break, not now, but it was hurting so bad. Kim intertwined their arms, leaning even more into that reassuring and safe place Porchay always had been to him.

"If it was this logical...why am I struggling this much..."

"You need...to recognize first that it happened to you...now you even look as if you were still surprised of what happened..." Porchay supposed. In fact, he had already had that conversation with a friend. He didn't know where or why but someone imposed sex on them and they had a really long time to finally see themself as a victim. It was allowing the traumatic experience to have this effect on you, an effect that was already working.

"I guess I am...I am a victim..." Kim said, with the bitter emotions that it was his fault, still his fault and his chest was trembling. He didn't want to cry, not at all but the more he was talking, the more he was remembering things. His brain just didn't put a silent mode on, it also erased for some time his memory, it put aside totally some touches, feelings, touches, everything. Kim suddenly felt like vomiting. He really had that pressure on his neck, in his throat, something invading it, something he knew. 

And he wasn't for it, he wasn't for it at all, he didn't agree but it was still done. And he began to suffocate in his mind, it was just the shadow of what happened but it came back violently as if at this time he had forgotten totally, he wasn't conscious, but now he was rejecting what he had done, or what had been done to him. Reluctantly, Kim stood up and took a bottle of water, taking it, washing his mouth and spitting it. His tears were falling, and his whole body was just disgusted with himself, with his past, with what he thought he had let happen.

"P'Kim? Are you okay?" Porchay asked, standing up and moving closer to him.

"I..." Kim said, turning around sobbing and falling slowly on the ground, curling up on himself. "I just feel like...I wasn't consenting to...to mostly everything he had...made..." He said, his voice breaking. Porchay pushed Kim in his arms, hugging him tightly.

It was surprising how the strongest looking of his family was falling so easily under the confession to a reassuring human, of what he never had wanted to live and realize.