🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

11. The beginning of the trial 🔐

Kim worked the next day as if nothing had happened. He didn't want to jump into the conversation he had thought about for hours and hours. He had fake scenarios written on his mind, he had every bad or good option in sight. He kept his quiet attitude all day but all it did was worry Yok, Chan and Porchay. They communicated fairly, they were professional but nothing more. And Kim was clearly moving his eyes from Porchay as soon as he could. He had no idea if he could gather that strength, no idea at all, too focused on his talk. But the back again he was seeing when Porchay greeted them a goodnight, the back moving away, he hated this he hated this, and Kim urgently ran behind him, his small but loud heels making the noise Porchay knew by heart. He turned around, both stuck in their movement.

"I-..." Kim began wondering and then he couldn't talk and then he just bit his lips and the Porchay smiled so gently, like he always did before their conversation. As if his back wasn't walking from him but waiting for Kim to reach it. "Can...can we talk?" He asked, unsure.

"Of course P'Kim." He said, a voice so soft.

"Wait...I will take my things..." Porchay just nodded. "Can we go...at your place?" Porchay nodded again. He knew how much Kim had loved that place the first time he came. "It looks angelic, all of this white." He had said laughing but he wasn't anymore. Not when walking inside, he felt a strong emotion of reassurance.

"Come...do you want to drink something?" Porchay asked, walking further.

"No...no Chay...I just want...want to say..." Kim panicked, staying in the entry. "Just that it has nothing to do with you...my behavior...I am so sorry I didn't mean to talk harshly to you and-"

"Ssssshhh..." Porchay cut him, taking Kim by the hand and making him sit on the bed. "Just breathe, calmly, yes like this and talk...I am here to listen and I am not angry at you, not at all..."

"For real?" Kim asked in confusion witnessing Porchay sitting next to him.

"For real." He confirmed. "What would make you think otherwise?"

"I...well...you were so...less welcoming than usual..."

"So were you..." Porchay mostly whispered because it was a reality but he wasn't used at all to reproach things to Kim. They were a match made in heaven, being patient, understanding each other easily, being supportive. They never got into any fights, it was unatural for them. And yet they were here, a venom easily spreading from Kim but against Kim's will. And this was what he wanted to say now, he needed to just tell him how much it wasn't his fault nor Porchay's fault. He didn't act rational because it had been steal from him years ago.

"About...this..." Kim said ducking his head down. "I am sorry...I...well...in fact..." He couldn't watch Porchay's eyes, for some reason he was still terrified.

"P'Kim...if you want the truth I didn't like how you talked to me...it hurt...but answering harsh wasn't my idea...just Phi Chan and Phi Yok thought that...I was the one you would love to get this right the most..."

Kim raised his head, a little taken aback and grumpy at the idea that it was all not what Porchay really felt, but they weren't wrong at all, in the end they really knew him by heart.

"That's...not what I was aiming for...but it kinda...helped me...so I guess that I am not that weirded by that info..."

"It helped you?" Porchay asked, his eyes full of hope.

"I guess...I..." He scratched his head. "I was so...irritated...scared...and then I thought I would lose you and I felt so much...and I understood...it pushed me...to just think about what I didn't want to...I...it's him..." Kim said, keeping his composure, his emotions steady but looking deeply terrorized from Porchay's point in view.

"Him?" Porchay asked back, he didn't want to think before Kim would naturally tell what he was thinking about.

"The man...I dated when we met...I think...he broke something...I think that...something is wrong...about it...I am constantly...always...having difficulties to breath, it is like...like as if something was above me and suffocating me..." Kim confessed, watching Porchay's face changing from wondering to worried to genuinely concerned.

"P'Kim...did you ever talk about that relationship after you wanted us to stop talking?"

Kim denied with his head, no sounds able to break what was coming through his mind. Porchay took his hands in his own. Putting a sweet pressure on it. Kim raised his head, met Porchay's one and melted in pain. He melted because he had this sudden urge to just talk about it, he needed. Like the nightmares he was often doing, Kim thought that it was just for one moment, but it was a scream for help and now he could only cry out so loudly to be sure that his own self would be hearing what he had to say. No hiding anymore, he couldn't run, he had lost the last strength of his barriers, the reality of his manipulative relationship wasn't in jail anymore.

And he was the own layer of his mind, and he was the only one to really know how he felt. How he had a terrible desire to let Porchay be his jury.