This is my 27th chapter. I have 3 more to go. So since it's three more to go, I will make the last three count. This was my tester book. But it had ended up being a vent book. So I had a fail and a succeed. Anyways, enjoy the last chapters. Thank you for those who had read it and will countine to read it. -Authors note
Drinking my hot chocolate, a million thoughts run through my head. Death, demons and the lack of peace but yet my stress has increased.
Thinking about how I want to die but looking at the people that I have encountered and how I'm trying to stay alive. How I don't want to leave people behind. The death of a coworker had shown me what would have happened if I chosen to lead while she had followed 10 yrs after me. So I just vent to my beloved Clarissa and shut myself up so I can breathe. But now I see how this is causing me to bleed. How others doesn't know what's going on but only can feel me pull away.
Worthless, burden, not special and most of all annoying. These lack strength but yet cause me to be weak.
So I hide myself behind close doors.
Created a world where my disorders can be mine and mine alone.
Ruth, Makia and more.
My alters is at my door.
The little me,
O how I have abandoned thee.
Will you come back to me.
You are special and innocent.
I love you.
My protection caused you to feel abandoned.
I should have taken care of thee.
Not Akka, or others after or before him.
Me.
As the mins tick by. I swallow my pride. I decided to pay my price. Texted the helpline. I felt so confused. But he didn't give up on me. He talked to me and listened but it didn't help me.
So off to Paris I go. Back to me being quiet. Only share bits and pieces like I should have did in the begining.
Struggles in reality.
Caused me to doubt.
They say I need to be alone for awhile.
I am alone. Where are my friends. Where are my lovers. Oh how they have left me.
I have been alone and healing since I was 11. Hell I didn't know my own father till I was 9. So tell me again how I can't date till I work on me. Oh that's right I'm doing exactly that. Because I live with my father he is my only company. Because I am cast aside by many. Even my current lover doesn't include me. I just insert myself in his life and hope that he doesn't leave.
Get off. Get off of me! Let me breathe!
I don't need any therapy. Or to talk. I need a chest to lay on so I can breathe. Its my life. Why do you want to intervene. You may say you know best for me. But it's my life. It's my dream.
Why take my time. I need time to myself. Or I can't breathe.
No it's not because I don't love thee. Because I do. But I don't know me.
I am a hardworking girl.
I am a special girl indeed.
But I need to feel myself.
Or else I will fade.
For I am not a God I can't supply your needs.
I am not a hero.
I am a human.
I have needs.
Yes I have a light.
But you're clouded it up.
You suck it right out of me.
What's the point?
If all you are going to do is use me.
As I end this life
Let me breathe.
You may know me.
You have talked to me.
But you ain't me.
