Back to 5.05

did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me

everything is frozen.
completely, utterly, frozen.
the whole world is moving on, but my world is frozen.

Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me

it's like being back in those years and at the same being stuck at Thursday 24/7.
everything is frozen and I want to stop feeling.

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop

even just for a second, a second would be fine because I feel like I'm going back to the rock, fucking bottom of the ocean, back to the numbness, and the pain in my lungs because there's so much water over me that I can't breathe, the suffering.

Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere
Some perspective, but I sat and stared

I feel like all the fucking, shitty steps forward I made, the sensation of swimming back towards the surface have been annihilated by a single event.
I want to erase Thursdays.

Right where you left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me, you left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

delete it, cancel it.
make it disappear.
I'm drowning, again.

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

I know it's not my fault.
I know it's not the clothes.
I know it's not the place.
I know it's only his fault.
I know it, I know it, I know it.
I. know. it.
but I feel dirty, I feel violated, it makes me want to throw up or wash myself into bleach.
I try to move on, to not be obsessive about it but.
but it's there, tormenting me, consuming me.
why. why. why.
why didn't I react.
why didn't people help.
why did he do that.

I, I could feel the mascara run
[...]
I cause no harm, mind my business

gosh, I feel his hands on me, his lips on mine, the way he grabbed me, the way he pushed me against his neck, when he blocked me against that damn wall, trying to lift me up, to put my knee between his legs.
I remember the crying, the panic, the terror, the fear, the urge to punch him, to hurt him and run away and not being able to because I was completely frozen.
I remember everything and nothing at the same time.
I don't remember him, I don't remember how it happened, how long it was, and yet I remember. I remember. every. single. second.
I remember his hands grabbing me, wrapping around me, his voice in my ears, the way he talked.
I remember the "I love you," repeated over and over again, I remember people watching, and not doing anything.
I remember the man that saw me terrified and didn't do anything.
I remember people passing by, watching a girl being pinned against a wall by someone, trying to ask for help with her hands and being ignored.
I remember.
I remember vividly when he forced me against his neck and hissed "now kiss my neck.".
I remember the panic.
I remember the fear.
I remember the pain.
I remember my heart pounding, I remember that I thought "I wish my boyfriend was here".
I remember.
every single second, if I don't think about it, it becomes a background noise, but it's still there, killing me from the inside, freezing me in time, in those 20-30 minutes of pure panic.
I remember being kidnapped, held as on hostage, I remember thinking that he would've threatened me with some weapon.
I remember thinking that he would've forced me into having sex with him, he tried to, and for a miracle I was able to avoid it.
I remember trying to run away, thinking of ways to escape.