Bsd Angst One Shots

Untitled Part 38

this includes trans male Fyodor,+religious thinking not exacly heatlhy or good 
It's all vent nd me just writing myself out so dont mind me.

Triger warning eh idk the inside of my head i guess thanks for reading 

A dark haired male opened his eyes, he stared for some time at his coated in spider webs celing. His clock should have long since started ringing. After some time of staring at the spider webs on his celing he got bored and looked to his side and at the clock siting still, on the shelf to his left. To the boy's delight the clock wasn't broken, he just woke up today way too early. A lot earlier actually because a good three hours before he was originally suposed to be woken up by his alarm. 

That is quite fortunate actually, the boy though. He always doesnt have time to do anything in the morning and now he will, with so much spare time. He pushed his blanket off of himself and slowly got up. As Fyodor walked through his room to reach the door, he was met with a rather...Weird? Reflection in the mirror beside his closet. 

The thing that was looking right at him, it felt unfamiliar. It didn't feel like him. It looked like a ghost. Thinking about it, it might be some demon that satan send for him. To make him think ungodly thoughts and not be the lords child anymore. Right. As quickly as posible Fyodor reached under his white shirt and searched for the golden cross that should be around his neck. His nerves ease as soon as he finds it. Holding tightly and doing a quick morning prayer. He prayed for many things, one of them being to survive today without any demonic thoughts which he from times to times has. After he is done, Fyodor goes out of his room and to the bathroom just next to it. 

The bathroom's mirror showed the same reflection but the boy chose to ignore whatever it showed because he didnt want to waste his time that he could be using for praying on something so stupid as his reflection. The ghost has very oily, visiblly not washed for a long time hair. Fyodor touched his own and they feel just as gross. I should probably wash them. He thinks.

He steps out of the also already gross and dirty clothes and gets into his bathtub. Fyodor hates his bathtub, most people would probably call him lucky for having one, for alot of people prefer bathtubs over showers. But not him,  right across his bathtub there is the sink and above the sing is a mirror. Said mirror is quite big so while trying to take a quick shower with the shower head of his bathtub he can not ever escape the reflection of his disgusting gut wreatching body. He is very boney, it's not that he doesn't like that aspect he doesnt care actually, but his lack of any muscles or even fat makes him horibly easy to overpower. But it's not like he can change this realy, not only he doesn't have money for food, he has also very quick metabolism so anything he menages to even eat goes right through him.

He steps into the bathtub, he first lookes over his parts of body thinking where he needs to wash it as to not waste any water and what comes with it his already small amount of money. But actually he doesnt even need to look, the dark dirtyness on his skin all over his stomach arms legs under his neck, he doesn't even want to think about his back, it's hard to wash your back by yourself, Fyodor is none the exception. The male doesn't even remember when was it then he washed his back last time? So one can imagine how dirty it must be by now.

 As he is about to start the water, his eyes catch on his reflection. The pose he is in right now makes the lumps of fat on his chest disgustingly visible as well as all of his other curves. Well as much as there is to curves with the state the boy's body is in. But the two lumps of fat make him the most disgusted, they look like just long hanging skin, he is sure no man would ever want him as a wife in this state. The though makes him nervous. Afterall, if he isn't taken to be someones wife, he cannot be a good wife, and with it he also cannot bear children, and without this all he wont do any of his heavenly duties. The worse he fears is maybe he wont be  let into the heaven's gates because of this, even after all the hours of prayers and going to the church even then beaten or almost fainting because of his anemia. No, he must do at least one of these duties. But that for later, For now He shall scrub the dirt out of his skin with his nails and hands. 

By the time Fyodor is done his hands are hurting and the skin on his body red and aching from all the scrubing and rubing and scratching. He doesn't pay the pain much mind though and continues with his morning. The black haired boy looks through all of his kitchen cabinets as well as the fridge, the only thing he found there that is eatable is a jar of pickled cucambers, and a half eaten sausage. Fyodor takes half of the sausage and one pickled cucamber from the jar, also filling himself a cup of water. He places everything as evenly as posible on the diner table, in this horible world and these awfull times things like placing his things evenly are one of his most fun and enjoyable things to do. Before eating breakfast, the boy put his hands together and thanked god for this, even if very small, meal. As he ate the sausage and his cucamber while siping water from time to time, the boy though what he is going to do today, now thinking about it, what does he even do everyday? He somehow can't remember, he knows that he wakes up from the same bed every morning, checks the clock. Then prays, then eat whatever he can find inside of this kitchen. Normaly by these few activities the time is up and he has to go, but where? He doesn't remember too, it's not like he's going to work or school. So where does he usually go after this. From all the thinking today, and maybe from lack of nutritions too, the boy's head started hurting. Well, it seems he can't remember and also has a headache which means even if he wanted to go out somewhere it wouldn't be posible with suck a terrible hurting inside of his head. Oh the pain, well it seems i wont be able to do anything today too. The black haired though as he finished his meal and drink. He got up from the dining table and goes back to the dark dirty room he calls his own. Geting into the bed and pulling a blanket over himself feels far too familiar. The sleep overtook the boy almost right away, last things in his mind being; wondering if tomorow will be the same. It's very frustrating because he does not want it to be the same. But at the same time this sameness is realy comforting, knowing what will happen next is reasuring. It's not like anyone needs him anyway, if they did they would come here, and noone does. The future is a terrifying though truly.

Fyodor in a church, by; me.

.My brain has been regressing to a state of a fetus, i cant do anything because of how much i think at once, my body is dealing with just as much i dont think i will go for much longer so i wanted to write something again, i forgot how fun it is to write. sorry for the vents and all the babling? lol