The Shelby Princess

24

He loved her.God.How he loved her.
Tommy's whole demeanour, his whole self is a product of pain. The entirety of his aura speaks volumes, just a mere second in his company is more than enough to view the underlying trauma that stems within him, his aura speaks volumes yet is equivalent to a simple whisper, barely any words need to be spoken to understand that he's a shadow of the boy he used to be.

Learning is a gift even when pain is your teacher.

The simple story of Tommy's life, inevitably with learning comes mistakes, something Tommy struggled to deal with, mistakes and losses.
It eats at him, consumes his every thought, intensifies his urges to be on top. At all Times.
Losses have never been a foreign concept to Tommy, they've just been unpleasant and aggravating.
However it didn't just sting to experience a loss this time round,it pained him to know that,
Charlotte Windsor had been his biggest loss of all.

Behind the pain in his eyes was a small fire that burnt, a small flame that kept the ghost of his old self alive, it required constant relighting to restrain itself from blowing out, the lighter in need only belonged to one person and one person only, Charlotte.
The only Woman that had the power to reinforce that Tommy, the only women that had the power to bring a smile to his face, the only women that could have him begging, the only women who's presence is significant to who he is a person.
Significance alone is an understatement.
It was clear he loved her, clear as a summer day, and she loved him.
A Fact Tommy couldn't always wrap his head around, since returning from the war it was so easy for him to create his own narrative that he was unloveable. It was what fuelled his decisions the past two years, no calls, no fight, only one apology because he couldn't hurt her from a distance. Even if grace didn't happen, they wouldn't have lasted because he doesn't deserve her, she's a good person and he's Tommy Shelby.
He believed that leaving her was the absolute rightful thing to do because it meant she could remove herself from the deluded state she was in when she said she loved him, it wasn't possible, after the war, he was unloveable.
And that was final.

However, since their re involvement in each other's lives, Tommy came to understand the depths of his love for her a little bit better. She loved him, she didn't love the name, the reputation, the "shelby good looks", she loved him, he was loved on purpose.

                                  ~

The night of Charlotte's show, The 43 Soho.

Hurt, the only word that could describe what he was feeling as he listened to the words that fell from her mouth.
Because nothing makes me happier, and nothing makes me sadder, than you.
Although he was aware her words were from an irrational state, and hyper aware she was under an incredibly false delusion that he had voluntarily been under the flirtatious touch of another women. It still hurt, more so because he knew the words to be true, he didn't just know, in-fact it was something that kept him awake at night.
Over the two years they were separated, Tommy tortured himself every single night without fail reliving the night she left, vividly remembering the pure hurt that didn't just fall from the tears in her eyes but lingered there,  her vibrant eyes that held little to no entity within them.
All they did was accommodate her sobs, displaying a broken-hearted girl.
In them nights, he'd often think of his mother and what she would be thinking of all this. He knew full well she wouldn't be happy, his mother was always fond of Charlotte, so much so they would joke that she loved her more then her own. Not just because of the wonderful girl she was but because of the undeniable love she had for her son, her tommy. He knew she'd say he was absolutely foolish, losing a beautiful soul like Charlotte, who adored him.
Perhaps she would believe it was a good thing, after all it meant Charlotte could go and achieve her dreams and that she did. That exact thought made the thought of them two ever rekindling a slightly unpleasant one for Tommy, only because it reinforced his narrative that Charlotte really was better off without him, that he was no good for her, unfortunately for him however,he knew full well that he'd have to hold a lot of self control to withdraw himself from returning back to her if he ever had the option to, the one and only time Tommy Shelby wouldn't be the master of resistance.
Deep down however, he knew what his mother would really be thinking, you can both go off and pursue your dreams that lead you to the top of your own personal empires, business and showbiz but really it all means nothing if you don't have each other.