Rolling fake dice

e m r y s

                                        Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body

Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party

I'll be there in the corner thinking right over

Every single word of the conversation we just had

Why am I like this ? - Orla Gartland

Lennox mansion is almost too silent, the old walls echoing the endless silence as everyone is doing 'I don't know what'. A silence that should be actually comfortable for me, since I am the one who always fights with Esmeray over the noise he causes, but not today.

Not today...

I don't know why, but seeing Sierra struggle earlier made me realize many things, including how much strength it requires for her to be so vibrant, so alive, and yet, shove down her own battles and demons, to the point that they started suffocating her slowly but surely, lurking back in the darkness inside her head, feeding off Bennett's constant harassment.

Allison fucking Bennett is like a plague, living off the attention she receives and the lives she ruins, and her only target for the past two years has been Sierra Lynn, the girl who stole the attention away from her, the one who found herself a place among people who once were Bennett's friends herself, Esmeray and even Noah.

People who once, like me, believed her to be part of the family we created for ourselves, the family she took pleasure into breaking down, until it turned into ashes and dust.

I shake my head to chase both Sierra and Bennett out of my mind, the sun shining up in the sky as I sit on the edge of the pool, feet grazing the surface of the cool water as small droplets of water still fall off my damp hair.

Sometimes, when I'm in the need of processing facts or events, the urge to throw myself into the water is unbearable that I abandon anything to get myself a few minutes under it, especially after the harsh training Coach Turner gave us today, after the deceiving draw we had last week. It had been one of the worst games we've ever performed, 'A shame on the Lowell school soccer team' He had said, and as much as I hated being yelled at, I'm glad he took out his anger on me rather than on my teammates.

"A penny for your thoughts?" The calm, soothing voice of my mother asked, her hand playfully ruffling my hair. For the longest time, mom have been my safe haven, the person who understands me the most, growing up, Vienna would tease me for being such a mama's boy, not that our mother ever treated us any differently, she just knew how to treat each of us the way they needed to be treated.

I smile at her and reply "I'm pretty convinced that my thoughts are worth a little more than a single penny, mom."

She sits beside me with a sly grin, nudging my shoulder playfully, "Careful, son, your Lennox ego is showing."

We both fall into a comfortable silence, and I can almost feel her hesitation to speak. Growing up, I have always been the hardest child to raise for my mother, I know it despite the fact that she denied it on several occasions, I have always been the quiet, non-communicative one, the one who had to be dragged out of his shell and required a supernatural patience level to coax the words out of.

"Your dad has been out ever since the morning, Vienna ditched me for a shopping session with Aurora, Archer, well, no one knows what Archer is up to." She admits, clearly choosing the casual approach "And Ray is locked up in her room."

"So you decided that it'd be better to stay with the least energetic of your kids not to remain alone..." I tease her

"So being eighteen means you're too cool to hang out with your mother now?" She raises her eyebrow. Her ocean blue eyes holding a soft sad affection.

I dip my head down and let out a soft chuckle. "Being eighteen means that I'm a hot piping mess I don't want my mom to worry about." I mutter under my breath, her hand caresses the wet strands of my hair.

"What's inside that full head of yours, Sweetheart?" She asks, her tone reassuring and gentle, I lean against her palm, if there is one person that never got tired of listening to my darkest and brightest thoughts, it'd be mom. Most people my age drift away from their parents once they reach their teenage years, but I'd never dream of doing so, not when my mother is the only person who ever managed to help me pull my shit together.

"Many things actually." I grin weakly "Math test..."

"Tell me about it." The question that always made my walls break down, the one encouragement she always gave me. I watch the sun rays reflect on the water's surface, and it does nothing to ease the dull bitterness invading me.

"The math test?" I try to lighten up the mood, she shoots me a pointed look, her lips pressing in a thin line. "Emrys Gray Lennox..." She warns, I chuckle and yield "Okay okay, the many things it is."

She beams at me, but I don't give her any details, I simply let out a shaky question "Did you ever..." My voice trail down "Did you ever had this person who irritates every part of you and still... Seeing them hurt just... hurts."

"Maybe..." She starts, looking far away in the distance as I glance at her "Maybe it's not them what irritates you." She suggests, making me look at her.

"Maybe you're irritated at the feeling they pull out of you." She continues looking straight at me "And not at them as a person."

"Sometimes I wish I can feel as simply as you make it sound." I run a hand in in my hair.

"You've always been the one that expresses himself the least among your siblings." Mom smiled gently at me, "But I know that you, Emrys, are the one who feels the most."

Sometimes, I really wish I didn't feel at all...