Rolling fake dice

s i e r r a l y n n

 Adorned with smoke on my clothes

Lovelorn and nobody knows

Love thorns all over this rose

I'll pay the price, you won't

Slut! (Taylor's Version )- Taylor Swift

"So ?" River squealed excitedly, sitting with her legs crossed on my bed, Her bang covering her bright green eyes "Tell me everything. Where did he take you? Did you guys kiss? Is he a good kisser?.... hold up, that's a stupid question, of course he's a good kisser, have you seen his face?"

"River, jeez girl, are you even breathing?" I laugh a little, throwing my phone away and leaning my head against my palm "And lower your voice, dad would die if he heard me talking about kissing and stuff..."

"Well, papa didn't say anything about me kissing Liam in the Christmas play, did he?" She shrugs, and I have to physically hold my tongue back from denying it. "Now tell me, did you really kiss him?"

I can feel the heat crawl up my cheeks, but I clear my throat to avoid being caught as a melting, flushing mess "Well, we did kiss a couple of times... for the past few weeks."

"You what?" She squeals "Oh my God! You didn't even tell me..." She pouts "Does it feel like the half-moon princesses kisses? Did he ask you to marry him just yet?"

"Riv, I'm barely eighteen, and we're still High school students, this isn't some fairy tale that always ends up with marriage..." I smile sadly to her.

Marriage and fairy tales...

Forgotten vows and broken hearts...

Two sides of the same coin. Maybe it's because my own parent's fairy tale turned into dust in front of my eyes, maybe it's because I don't believe anyone would ever love me the same way the female leads of my favorite romance books are loved. I can't ever see myself loved by someone like that, because... Because I don't think I deserve to be loved like that.

"But I saw how he looks at you, Sia..." River insisted with a small pout, looking adamant to start writing a fairy tale for me right here and now.

"And how does he look at me, oh darling sister?" I scoff humorlessly.

"Like you're the most beautiful girl in the world. the same way papa used to look at mama." She replies, and for a stupid, reckless split second, I feel my heart trip over its own beat, a foolish, foolish move.

It should've been taken as a proof of admiration... maybe even love, if I didn't already know how Serafina's story with papa ended...

"Mama, I'm sorry, please, I want out, please..." I cried, my fists hitting the locked wooden door, where I've been locked against my will, "Mama, por favor..." I broke down, crying out all my tears...

I wanted my papa home...

I wanted...

I needed...

Papa...Papa... Papa...

I feel the air lacking from my lungs, blind spots dancing in my vision, I suck into a sharp breath, but it doesn't get it, I drown and drown and drown...

Daddy... Daddy please... Rivy...!

I was going to die without my dad and sister, I was going to die without telling my mom that I loved her, I was going to die...

Die... Die...Die...

"Sierra? Sierra!" Snapping fingers cut me out of my memory, River is barely inches away from me as I sit frozen back in a nightmare. I take a deep breath and swallow back "Are you okay?" She asks, "You stopped breathing there for a minute or two."

"I'm okay, Riv..." I dismiss with a forced smile "So, he took me to an art museum." I change the subject "And I... I met someone... Ace." I admit with a quiet voice, a hushed whisper, a dark secret.

"You saw... Ace?" She frowns "As in Ace, the Ace, papa's picture Ace?" Her lips parted in surprise "Our... tio?" uncle.

I clench my jaw a little and nod "Ace R. Larsen. The 'R' stands for Ronan apparently." I tuck my hair behind my ear with shaky hands.

"That's wow..." She breathes out "And how... How does he look like? Is he like papa?" She asks curiously.

"Not much, no..." I shake my head "But his eyes, they're like papa's, like your eyes..." I explain.

"And did you speak to him?" She presses "Not really, but I... He's kinda known, y'know..." I reply "He's a painter, his works are great..."

"He still doesn't know about us, does he?" She sighs heavily "I just... Why does papa try to hide all of this from us?" She asks "Do you think his family are bad people or something?"

"What about not jumping to conclusions?" I suggest "Let's just forget about it... I'll tell you everything I know once I figure everything out, deal?" I give her my hand to shake.

"Deal..." She smiles and takes it. Sometimes I wish I could take my little sister and lock her inside my heart so that she never grows up, but I know that she has to grow up someday, and I'll be nothing but the annoying sibling who she thinks is just babying her.

She cuddles against me as we watch TV together, I run my fingers through her hair gently. Her eyes are only half-open, clearly tired from how early she got today. I trace the edge of her nose softly, tracing the small freckles on it to get her to sleep, the same way I've done a hundreds times over and over.

"Sia ?" She calls, soft and sleepy. Her hair falls slightly on her face, I brush it away quietly and hum in response "Yes, Smalls?"

"when I grow up, I hope I'll turn out just like you." She whispers. My heart swells inside my chest, and tears well up inside my eyes. I kiss her cheek and breathe in her smell, it is one thing to be loved by your sibling, but it's completely another feeling when you turn out to be one of their inspiration.

"When you grow up, I hope you turn out to be way better, Rivy." I reply. She doesn't answer, just clings to me further, and I let her. Between our mixed breaths and unsaid words, I can't remember who slipped into sleep first, but I only know one thing.

I'm the happiest than I've been in years.

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November 2nd;

They don't know how you've haunted me

So stunningly

I choose you and me

... Religiously

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