Rolling fake dice

e m r y s

Did you hear my covert narcissism
               I disguise as altruism

     Like some kind of congressman?
                  Tale as old as time

 I wake up screaming from dreaming,

  One day I'll watch as you're leaving

     And life will lose all its meaning,
                    For the last time

                Anti-Hero - Taylor Swift

Getting suspended for three days wasn't on my to-do list, neither was getting scolded by my father, but here I am.

It's quite funny how many things I got away with during my life, never earning as much as a detention, only for that 'clean record'-as Noah loves to call it- to get broken on my very last year of High School, only because Carmichael was cowardly enough to whine about our fight to the principal.

The bastard's lucky Sierra got him out of my hands.

I couldn't, however, explain the cause of the fight to anyone, and practically begged Ray to keep her mouth sealed shut and mind her own business. Dad wouldn't let the subject go, though.

"You screwed up, Emrys." He glares at me from his seat on the couch, I sit across from him, my head hanging low, practically ashamed of even crossing his sight.

"I know,"I mutter, an apology is just at the tip of my tongue, but I don't let it out.

"I thought we're over the fighting days, son." He groans in exasperation "I thought you fucking moved on from that mess."

I did move on from it, I just don't have the energy to explain it "I did move on." I start "Today was a mistake, and it won't happen again." I play with the silver ring on my little finger in an uncomfortable quirk.

"It sure as hell won't." He replies coldly "I'm taking away your car for the rest of the week." He stands up to leave.

"What?!" I frown "dad, I'm eighteen, you can't just take away my car like it's a toddler's toy."

"Watch me." He replies simply. My fists are clenched tightly and my breath starts getting harder. "That's fucking bullshit." I spit out "You wouldn't have done that if it were Archer who got suspended."

"Archer wouldn't have gotten suspended," His eyes snap to mine, gray like the smoke of hell and the mist of cold winter days "and don't start comparing yourself to your siblings, I did not raise you like that."

My mouth snaps shut as he gets out of my room. "Damn it." I curse under my breath, running a hand into my already messy hair. I take off my uniform's tie and toss it in a corner. I sit on my desk's chair, frustrated and tired and guilty as sin.

My skin pricks uncomfortably, my heart beats in a rate I only know all too well. I suck in a sharp breath.

Anxiety attack...

Chronic anxiety attack...

Nobody knows when it had started clawing its nails on me, all what I know is that I was diagnosed with it two years ago.

My pills...

I need my fucking pills...

I stumble to the bedside table, my hands shaking as heat waves crash over me mercilessly.

I had tried to drop the medication, to try and live without the constant drowsiness and distraction it causes, as if I'm trapped in a jar of glass watching my life go on in front of my eyes, but apparently it doesn't work like this.

I swallow them without even looking, trying to drown out the sounds that buzz inside my head.

"Emrys..." A distant voice calls gently "Emrys, are you alright?"

Esmeray...

I clutch the sleeve of her white shirt, taking in a deep breath.

In and out...

In and out...

"Emrys, breathe..." She asks, her voice unusually gentle, making me look right into her ocean blue eyes "In and out, just like me..."

Ocean...

Blue...

Esmeray Blue...

My sister...

My erratic breaths quietened slowly, the anxiety attack fading into nothingness.

In and out...

In and out...

She helps me to my bed, I sit there as my chest heaves up and down, taking in deep breaths.

"It's okay..." Esmeray hugs me softly, "You're okay..."

I swallow back, soaking in the warmth of my sister's embrace.

I'm okay....

I can breathe...

"You walked home alone...?" I croak out tiredly.

"No, Sierra's father came to pick her up today. He insisted on driving me with them..." She answers.

I nod with a breath of relief at her words. Zephyr Ryder treats Ray as his own kid, a third daughter just like Sierra Lynn and her little sister.

"Are you feeling better?" Ray pulled away slightly, looking at me with clear concern in her eyes.

"I'm good, Ray." I lay back on my bed with a grimace and a groan. "Sierra Lynn." I hesitate "How is she?"

Esmeray's expression shifts for a split second, her eyes straying away from mine "I don't know, but I can only imagine how much Carmichael's words are gonna make her spiral."

My guts twist at the thought "I should've killed the asshole when I got the chance."

"Is that seriously the only thing you're thinking about? Murder?" Esmeray scoffs "You can't keep doing this, Rys."

"Doing what?" My jaw clenches painfully as I glare at her.

"Being so damn oblivious..." She groans "You can't ignore her in person just to set on an off-hands rule behind her back, you can't do that and not expect people to talk about it."

"It's nothing of their damn business, nothing of your damn business." I spit out

"It is my business that your antics are hurting my best friend, the sister I chose for myself."

Her words, no matter how true, still sting. I am her brother, she supposed to have my back, not blame me for every misstep I make.

"Pull your shit together, Emrys, I'm sick of always picking up the pieces behind you." She stands up and walks away, leaving me to my demons and regrets, tossing, turning and thinking.