𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑳𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 | Seongjoong/Ateez ff

Chapter TwentySix

"Why are you avoiding me?!"

A couple of seconds passed in which Seonghwa could only stare as Hongjoong took a step back, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted in... fear? Seonghwa was far too gone to actually be able to read the emotions on the younger face, but when no response came it was even more difficult to contain everything.

"Hongjoong, I swear. I don't understand. One moment you act like everything's fine and you agree to eat out with me, the next you're not answering my calls, reply with dry texts, and do everything you can to avoid seeing me, talking to me," He felt his eyes start to water slightly, and his vision became slightly blurred. He couldn't even take his eyes off of the trembling form of Hongjoong staring right at him. "Hongjoong if I did something wrong I am the first to admit to it, but I would much rather you telling me what the fuck was it than try to figure it out, because no matter how much I think about it I can't think of anything!"

"...Seonghwa it's not-"

"Was it when I was drunk? I remember I did try to kiss you but then you stopped everything and while I am glad you did I still don't understand." He turned his face to the ceiling then. He couldn't bear to look at the tears that were falling from Hongjoong's eyes. It was his fault they were there in the first place, but it still wasn't enough to make him stop. Something, anything, to make him understand. That's all he was asking for. 

"Why would you take me home if that made you uncomfortable? Why did you stay? Why did you fucking treat me with such care just to avoid me later?" He took a deep breath to try and compose himself, even if it was for little to no avail. "And then we ate lunch, and then you fucking called me your boyfriend and I know it meant nothing but I still felt it. I fucking felt my heart skip a beat at that. And I'm so fucking stupid because I know it didn't mean anything for you but I still let hope in. And I hate that I did!" And Seonghwa could do nothing now to stop the first teardrop from escaping his eyes and roll down his cheek. And he could do nothing to stop the many more which followed right after.

"I'm like you ok? And I know you don't but I was fine with it as long as we could be friends, but I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong to drive you away. Is this what you wanted to hear? Did you want me to confess so you could reject me and cut all connections? Because now you fucking have Hongjoong! I'm sorry I like you, ok?!"

And then his legs gave up. His knees gave away and the tears started falling freely from his eyes, and before he knew it he was on the floor, head in his hands and sobs wracking his body every few seconds. He didn't want to look up. He didn't want to see the look of satisfaction that probably was on Hongjoong's face, because if he looked up and it was actually there he didn't think he could recover from it.

He really expected some insult, some sharp comment thrown his way as soon as he was done speaking. A rejection. Something.

Nothing came.

He heard it when Hongjoong dropped to the floor too, and, agaist his better judgement, he removed his hands from his face just enough to be able to peek at the other, but he immediately regretted it as soon as his eyes met Hongjoong's tears brimmed ones, and there was not a hint of smugness there.

Hongjoong parted his lips to say something, and Seonghwa pressed his hands to his ears. If he couldn't see it it didn't mean it was not there, and maybe Hongjoong was just a great actor, maybe he just wanted to raise Seonghwa's expectations to shatter them all at once and laugh about it later. Objectively, he knew Hongjoong was not the type of person to do something like that, but is brain was too clouded by frear to grasp that concept, so he could only slam his eyes shut and wait. For what exactly he wasn't sure, but he couldn't do anything else.