Slowing Down from the Carousel's Ride

Kabanata 20

"A burning passion is born over a coffee-espresso-frappe monologue"

Sinalubong ako ng sobrang maginaw at malamig na klima ng kapaligiran pagbalik namin sa Baguio. The cold is getting into my skin like ice melting into crystals. I wore hand gloves that day and a scarf to counter the coldness of the wind. Nababalot rin ng makakapal na fog ang kalsada.

My days were not vacant due to some paperwork and school requirements I needed to submit before the day of defense. I was serious as hell with my documents, to the point that I had consecutive sleepless nights.

Guminhawa lang ako mula sa akademiya nang matagumpay kong naisalang ang sarili sa maraming tanong ng panel tungkol sa mga kasong hinawakan ko back in Banaue. During my brief speech in front of the panel, hindi ko nakaligtaang kilalanin ang mga tulong na ibinigay sa akin ng Kapitan. It was all thanks to him that I was able to come up with a smart outcome.

The last things that kept me busy for the last semester were our research and seminars. Other than that, wala naman.

Sa huling semester ko sa kolehiyo, hindi ako makapaniwala. Parang panaginip lang ang lahat. Ang halos walong taong lumipas ay tila panaginip lang.

There are a few details in those eight years that I'm happy to recall, but the rest are not worth remembering. Maybe because I was so bitter with life for so long. Or maybe because I'm too hard on myself to even glimpse at those brighter days. Or perhaps... I was busy occupying my mind with so many things that I had no time to reset or declutter.

Things aren't worth remembering... for reasons that are too vast to even explain. I lost the desire to romanticize things, unlike before. I lost the drive to spark some joy in my life.

I forced myself to figure out a smile all the way from my bitter whispers of my heart when I stepped up on the stage to receive my diploma and a medal for some recognition. Kasama ko si yaya Lucing sa entablado para isuot sa akin ang medalya. Naroroon rin si ate Pancing para sa litrato.

Malalapad ang mga ngiti sa kanilang labi habang naroroon kasama ako. I was struggling to hide my hatred and bitterness because I could never be happy at all.

It was our graduation day, and I was the only person who wasn't happy about that. How could I when all I thought of was Papa and Dawson? How could I when regrets filled my heart and questions overpowered my mind? Like, what if Papa was here? O kahit man lang si Dawson? Sana hindi na ako nagpumilit na mamasyal sa amusement park na iyon noong araw. Edi sana nabubuhay pa si Papa. Edi sana naririto siya at nasaksian ang pagtatapos na ito.

Pagsisisi at maraming tanong ang namuo sa aking sistema sa maiksing oras na namalagi kami sa stage. And believe me, it was the hardest thing I did just to not sabotage yaya and ate Pancing's genuine happiness.