Play The King: Act Two

CHAPTER LXIV: Back in the Game (Castiel)

CASTIEL

THE NEW year was finally here, but I was stuck in the old one. Losing my sister and almost losing my friend scarred me for life. It created a gaping void in my heart that could not be filled. The sadness, the guilt, and the regret were only making it big enough to swallow me whole. I managed to get out of it, but barely.

I was unsure what to feel anymore. The past few weeks, I had only been existing and not living. I had been filling up some space and taking in some air. I had lost interest in almost everything that was keeping me alive. What's my purpose for living anyway? If only it would not hurt my parents again, I would have . . . done the unthinkable.

My family was not the only ones affected, even almost everyone around me. I ran away from the USC, I ran away from my classes. I chose to lock myself in our house. But my friends chose not to give up on me even if I had ignored them many times already. Halos araw-araw ay nakatatanggap ako ng message mula sa kanila. Fabienne would always check on me despite everything that I did to her. Priam would also ask how I was doing despite the mess that I put him through.

Priam . . . The guilt had been eating me up since the day he got stabbed at the campus fair. When I heard the news that he regained consciousness, Cassidy's tragic fate crossed my mind. Nagising na nga siya, ngunit baka iminulat niya lamang ang kaniyang mga mata para magpaalam sa amin. What happened to my sister cut me so deep, and I refused to experience the same trauma that could shatter my now fragile heart into thousands of pieces.

When I met them in front of my sister's grave on one December afternoon, I was unable to control my emotions anymore. I broke down into tears in front of them.

"I'm sorry, Priam! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me. Please!"

"It's all right. You do not have to be sorry anymore."

"No! It's my fault kung bakit may masamang nangyari sa 'yo. If it weren't for me—"

"I don't blame you for what happened, so stop blaming yourself, okay? Ang importante'y buhay pa ako."

"I'm so so sorry! Please forgive me."

At that time, all I wanted was to ask for forgiveness and make things right. Wala na akong ibang mas gugustuhin pa sa mundo kundi marinig na napatawad na niya ako. Handa akong gawin ang lahat para doon. Priam's words alone were enough to soothe my damaged soul, but they were not enough to mend my broken heart.

Last year's Christmas and New Year celebrations were the first time we celebrated them without Cassidy at home. Two years ago, we managed to celebrate it with her, but in her hospital room. Ang sakit-sakit, hindi lamang para sa akin, ngunit lalo na para sa mga magulang ko na salubungin ang Pasko at Bagong Taon na may kulang sa mesa namin. There used to be four us during Noche Buena and Media Noche at the dining table. The empty seat was a grim reminder that our family would never be whole again. It would never be the same again.