♤SPRING SHIELD (MxM) ~fantasy~♤

Tea boxes

Kristian

I've been sleeping.
I came back to my apartment and bawled my eyes out for hours until I was royally dehydrated. I drank water,then I just slept. I didn't have to go to work and probably won't for the next week or two.
So I've been sleeping and eating out all my savings to afford constant delivery. I dread looking in the mirror because I look like a mess probably. With red eyes and a swollen face because when I'm not sleeping,I'm eating and when I'm not eating I'm crying,thinking of all the things he said. A never ending depressive cycle.
I believe that I'll get over it.
The entire thing. But for now I'm just going to wallow in my moods until I feel slightly better enough to actually move on with my life. If he comes looking for more answers I'll give them to him,and I hope both of us will be emotionally checked out. So we don't hurt each other more than we already have.
Because right now I can still hear his voice in my head. Seething with rage and disbelief.
I shake off the thought,and scurry off to my kitchen,turning on the light for the first time in days. I could obviously order some more food... but I think I'll make ramen. That's not half bad.
Rummaging the fridge for cheddar cheese(the only available option),and milk,I make my mind up on cheesy noodles. It would be great if I could get some fried chicken from the convenience store. In the midst of my craving fantasies,I open the cabinet to for black pepper.
The next thing that happens is utterly comical. Or sadly ridiculous.
Stacks over stacks of tea boxes spill from the cupboard onto the floor. A colourful shower of them,reds,greens and yellows all mixed up together on the floor. It's clear that the colour coded them to match his perfectionism. Sighing,I get on the floor and start to pick them up.
Yet another round of boxes tip and smack over my head. Adding to the pain.
And it's not the pain of having to pick all these boxes up. Or the pain on my head after getting three tea boxes knocked over it. It's that there's so many of them and their all his.
Each and every single one of these expensive boxes are his. I don't even drink tea. Or have any special connection to it at all. In that moment,a memory appears in my mind without me telling it to,
'The tea,'I muttered,'I need an explanation for all the tea-'
'Kristian,if I were to start explaining the complexities of foreign tea it would take me hours-'he replied,not really paying attention to anything I was saying.
He did the same thing when I wanted to know why he was slowly filling my house with plants. Taping notes onto their pots so I know how to water them. I'm afraid,even after all that they'll die.
Even though they don't deserve to.
It all starts to overwhelm me as I slide onto the ground and start to sniffle. Then my sniffling turns to tears falling. I cover my face like someone is out there watching me be a crybaby. Like I'm embarrassed.
I start to weep. The sounds of my sadness echoing into the empty room. Suddenly,I'm not hungry anymore.

___________________

Two days later,

I decided since I don't have to go to work anymore,why not just go home? The real home. To Tiliger.
More than forteen years ago I made the mistake of not coming back often and it cost me not being there when my dad passed away. It taught me that I should just come home if it feels like too much.
So I bought a ticket,got on twelve hour train ride out of Ferrez and all the neighbouring cities to reach this tiny little strip of land called Tiliger. Or Tili as the locals call it. I made it here last night actually,then I slept.
Then I woke up and saw my mother's face. I thought that the moment I saw her after all this time,I would cry or have some emotional reaction but I just feel strangely at peace instead.
Which is better than crying,I guess.
We came out to fish,by the ocean dock. Because Tiliger is costal land if you didn't know. I watch as the sun starts to fall from the sky,painting the clouds a beautiful mix of reds and pinks.
Then I look at my mother,who has a strange habit of dressing like an old man. She's been like that for as long as I can remember. She's had a lot of strange habits. Some I adopted and others were too strange for my liking.
Serenely,she pulls her hair up into a bun. It's red,just like mine but as she grows older it becomes peppered with all sorts of greys. I hope my hair looks as cool as hers once my age starts to catch up with me.
The only thing about her that doesn't seem to change is her smile.
"You know,he liked fish. A lot."I tell her,leaning back into my chair. Our dynamic is I talk she listens and adds input here and there. I mean,if I didn't open my mouth we could just sit here in silence until we get enough food.
"The man you talked about in your letters?"she asks,throwing the hook of her line into the sea. It makes a small sound when it hits the water. Subtle like all the other sounds here.
The shallow rocking of the boats near by against the gentle waves. Or the birds that are getting ready to sleep.
"Yeah."
"You never told me what the guy looked like."she says,also leaning back and turning her head to me,
"Eh... Tall,green eyes,tawny skin,white teeth-"
"Basically,dream guy?"
"Basically."I shrug in agreement,
"So he was physically a nice person but was he a nice person?"she dips her hand into one of her deep pockets and pull out a small pack of whatever snack she left uneaten.
"He was good to me."
"I.e he had his issues outside of you?"
"He had everything figured out and was trying so hard to raise the standard. I mean he's the leader of the avatars for Lyria's sake- but he was insecure."
"Something tells me that's not the point..."She says,handing me the bag. I take a piece of it and put it into my mouth without looking to see what it is. Raisins. Nice.
"It's not."I sigh,watching the sun dip even faster turning the blue sky black. Soon the mosquitoes will wake up,
"So,did you find what you were looking for in the city?"she asks. I've always wondered why my mother never had any interest in coming to see what life was like in Ferrez. She always seemed so contented here while being equally curious of my stories.
"I did."I say,in a monotonous way.
"You don't sound too excited. Did you not piece everything together?"
"I did."I say,again,
"You didn't like what you found."she says,pulling on her line when something starts to tug. Once she gets it out of the water she sighs. It's just a tiny one. Back into the water it goes,
"I never expected- you know what forget the stories. Why did you always want to hide the fact that I was pregnant seven years ago to this day? Even though I had a giant surgical scar on my belly?"I snap and she doesn't have any reaction. Not that chewing on raisins counts,
"I don't know. You know the doctors said that-"
"But momma seven years. You couldn't tell me about the pregnancy letters I sent you for seven years?"
"I just thought that it was your story to tell,Kris. It wasn't the right decision to hide those letters from you for that long. I knew eventually you'd want to go back there."she explains,scratching her cheek the way she does when she's nervous. "Can we remember the stories now?"
"I even forgot what we were talking about."I say,
"An insecure handsome man."
"Yeah,him."
"You two dated."
"Not explicitly,he never said I was his boyfriend or anything."
"But you slept with him-"
"I couldn't help it! He was hot."I plea and she laughs like I'm telling a terrible bad joke. I laugh too. One time he asked me how serious things were between us and I didn't know. I still don't. I guess we were two people who were messing around because of curiosity and feelings got into mix.
"Then you two broke up?"
"It was more complicated than a break up- there was so much going on with us. So many people who hated me. Or people who wanted to hurt him,cause he's royalty or whatever. Then I got hurt too. Like a telanovela."
"Oh,I love those."
"Trust it was way more stressful than it sounds. Anyway,I fell in love with the guy. I guess he did too then boom- the bomb dropped. Then I tried to hide the damage because I didn't want to lose him-"
"Then he told you to get lost."
"But,the way a king would say get lost."
"So let me get this straight- is he still your boss?"
"Maybe? I don't know,I think I might quit my job and come back to Tiliger. I got what I wanted anyway."I say,throwing my arms up once it gets completely dark.
"Then you lost it all."
"Don't remind me."I groan,
"How long has it been since you haven't talked to him?"
"I dunno,like a week? I stopped counting because it made me depressed."she hums once I say this.
"You look awful for a week,Kris."
"You know,he used to say that to me,every morning when I got to work. He had a nickname for me,Red,cool right?"
"I remember you wrote to me about that."A pause,"Is there no way he can forgive you somehow?"she asks,
"Why would you ask me that?"A cruel laugh escapes me. That's not even in a realm of possibility. He told me I ruined his life for the SECOND time.
"Because I don't think that you'll ever recover from this."I keep silent after she says this. What do I say? There's nothing I can do to change what's happened. "Can you promise me something?"
"...what?"
"You'll go back there and make sure that he'll never forgive you. Make sure that it's over. Make sure that there's nothing left of you two. Promise me,that if you're going to act like he's your life long regret... you'll get him to tell you that it's over."
"Mom."I warn.
"When you got into your accident you told me that after everything you owed me a wish. And no matter what you'd make it come true. Promise me,this is my wish."
"...I promise."