✔︎ | Part of Me (Trilogy)

33 | wishful thinking

33 | wishful thinking 

"Is there anything to tell him?"

Axel isn't here when I wake up again. I guess I shouldn't have put so much trust him. My bed is empty, and he's not on my couch or on my floor. I thought when he said he'd be right here he was planning on staying until he knew I was okay.

I sit up and yawn. I think I am okay, though. My headache is mostly gone. It just feels lazy now, but I breathe in and out just fine, and my stomach groans only with hunger, not fear. Rubbing my eyes, I crawl out of bed and pull my blinds from the window to let in the happy, morning light.

Feet in slippers, I pad downstairs to get breakfast and find my phone.

There's a figure at the back door when I hop off the stairs. He's talking on the phone. I can't hear a thing, but I smell the dart he's smoking and see him run his fingers through his hair anxiously. The moment is so private, I almost stop myself from wandering over to him.

His phone gets tucked into his jacket by the time he sees me through the mosquito screen and smiles softly. I push it open, stepping outside in pyjamas, the fresh, dewy grass tickling my ankles as I lean against the house.

"Good morning," Axel mumbles, taking another long drag, blowing the smoke out against the clouds, and it's swept away in the breeze.

He hands me the cigarette as he leans against the house, his shoulder against mine, and I realize that when I take it from his fingers and butt it out against the wall, he expected me to do that all along.

"Everything okay?" I ask him, glancing up to his tired face.

His head falls to the side and he gazes at me and nods gently. The sun rays dance in his eyes and bring out gold flecks, matching the light dust of freckles against his nose.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask him, not wanting to bombard him with a ton of questions, although I'm so tempted too. He needs to feel safe enough to tell me what's going on with his family all by himself. And if he doesn't want to tell me, I have to accept that. We're not friends. We've never liked it each other, at least, we've never told each other so, or acted like it. And we're — at least I'm — never going to!

He shakes his head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about," I mutter.

Axel pushes himself from the house and stretches, his shirt riding up his stomach. I can't get myself to look away. Fuck, I hate this. I wish I had never realized my tiny, minuscule crush! Maybe that's not even what it is. I don't know. But I hate myself. I shouldn't be thinking about another guy. I'm still dating Tanner. For all I know, he's just as confused as I am.

Axel turns back to face me and mumbles, "you're okay though?"

I nod. "If you wanna leave, you can."