✔︎ | Part of Me (Trilogy)

39 | touch me

39 | touch me

I hate you

We've been walking down the sidewalk in silence for minutes. Axel doesn't say anything to me. I know he wants to talk. He glances over at me, opens his mouth, and then chickens out, and looks nervously around him — to the houses we pass, up at the dim streetlights, misquotes buzzing around them. I pretend not to notice. I don't know how to start a conversation either. I don't know what he wants to say to me.

"Are you cold?" He asks suddenly, already shrugging off his bomber jacket.

I shrug. I actually am cold, and the gesture makes me a little nervous, but I let Axel throw the jacket around my shoulders, and I hold the front close to my body. It smells so much like him; like smoke and danger and sweetness altogether, but it's not enough. I want to cling to him, press my face against his chest and breathe him in.

"Your mom?" I ask, my voice groggy. "Is your mom okay?"

Axel finally glances to me and doesn't turn away when I look back up at him, my eyes meeting his. I feel something click in my body, like a lock, and I can't break our gaze when we stop at a light, waiting for the pedestrian signal to turn green even though there's no cars in sight.

"She's—" He's about to say good, but he doesn't know if she is. Instead, he says, "safe," and nods, a smile forming on his dry lips. The urge to lick them is unreal: literally. It doesn't exist. I'm not thinking about it at all. "Your parents are helping out with her treatments. She's sick but she's in good care now."

I touch his shoulder. "You did what you could for her. You're a great son."

Axel chuckles in disbelief. "No, I'm not. But thanks."

We cross the street and end up wandering down to boardwalk by the beach, the fresh ocean air dancing through my hair and across my nose. I sneeze into my arm, and Axel laughs, making me shove my arms through the arm holes of his jacket to zip up the front. "Maybe you should have worn pants," he mumbles, rubbing my shoulder a little to heat me up, but it makes me shiver even more.

I grunt. "I am wearing pants. They're just short pants."

"Yeah, okay—"

"Why'd you need a minute?" I interrupt him, and stop abruptly.

He sighs, and then squats down, his hands on the wooden boardwalk, and throws his legs over the side. He leans back and gazes up at me, his grey eyes sparkling like dark moons. I smile softly and sit down beside him, my legs crossed, and shove my hair from my face.

"Okay," Axel sighs out again, and lets his head fall to the side to look at me. "I wanted to thank you," he starts, looking back out at the waves like he longs to dive into the water and let it devour him. I can feel the angst rising off of him. He's uncomfortable here with me, and I try not to be, but I feel a little offended and hurt. We don't know each other well, but after this long fucking weekend, I think I deserve a little more trust.