✔︎ | Part of Me (Trilogy)

18 | I'm terrified of you

18 | I'm terrified of you

I'm not going to hurt you

I'm lying on the ground with Luci, being my usually lazy Saturday self because I have zero homework to complete, and Axel is still snoozing. I originally woke up to make him breakfast because it's his birthday, but I think going out and having anything other than burnt pancakes might suit the occasion a little better. 

Also Luci was really excited to see me and when I sat down on the couch, and after seconds, he was already snuggled up against me, claiming me as his pillow. I'm not exactly sure how we ended up on the floor, but here I am, earbuds in my ear, listening to Architect's 'Holy Hell' when someone nudges my foot. 

I groan and remove a bud. 

"Good, you're not dead," Axel says, his voice groggy. "Did I wake you?" 

My eyes flicker open, and Axel is towering over me, already showered and in grey slacks, thick winter socks, and a cozy long sleeve half-button up tee. I grin, throwing my phone onto the couch and hop up, tackling him into a hug. He catches me, and giggles when I place kisses all over his face and mumble, "happy birthday." 

He tightens his arms around my body to stop me from squirming and burrows his face into the crook of my neck. He sighs and whispers, "best birthday ever," and picks me up and squeezes me tighter. Luci is frustrated that he doesn't get to wish Axel a happy birthday so he starts jumping up onto us and barking. 

We laugh out and Axel lets me go to squat down and hug his baby. 

I giggle and sit, petting Luci and mumbling, "aw, good boy! You wanna wish daddy a happy birthday too!" 

Axel smirks and looks at me, and winks. "Daddy, huh?" 

I grunt and nudge him hard, and he topples over onto the floor. "You're disgusting," I mutter, but  he laughs out loud and pulls me down on top of him. 

・・・

We spend the day as tourists after we've had breakfast. We go up the Space Needle and I find out that Axel is afraid of heights, even though he says he's not. After lunch we take a peaceful walk along Alki beach, just like we used to in California, except that its colder here, and wetter. We walk hand in hand, admiring the view — aka, looking at each other. No, I'm joking. The water is actually pretty amazing even though it terrifies me as the wind whips against the surface to create huge waves that splash up against the pillars of the walkway, throwing water over onto the passerbyes. 

Axel and I aren't bothered by it because we're in our raincoats and I have an umbrella, but when the waves starts to get larger, he sweeps me over to his other side so that he's walking right beside the bay, shielding me from the water that trickles in from the Pacific. 

We had other plans for today too, but the heavy rain kind of ruined them, so we park in an isolated area near the concert venue we're going to tonight, and just chat. Well, start to chat — I end up swinging over into the driver's seat and straddling Axel's lap, and we make out for an extraordinarily long time. Neither of us makes the move to go any further than just kissing and touching. I'm afraid to. I think Axel is too. 

We go to the mall after until we get supper at a bar (Axel's choice, obviously) around 5. It's really good though, and there's vegetarian options. It's also right across from the venue, so we park in the lot down the block and bring our change of clothes to the restaurant to get our concert attire on, and then drag the other clothes back to the car.

It's begun to sprinkle again by the time we line up and follow everyone else into the building, leaving our coats at the coat check and checking out the merch.

"Did you know that August Burns Red is actually my favourite band?" Axel whispers, wandering away from the merch since he has about 5 of their shirts, and he's currently already wearing one. 

"Yeah, I think so," I say, although he says that about literally every metal band he enjoys. "They're awesome. I'm excited to see them live." 

Axel chuckles, swinging his arm around my shoulders, and we end up securing a spot at the rails even though I know he's going to ditch me to join the moshpit, or worse, drag me in too. Either way, I'm ecstatic. I've had an extremely long day already and I still feel on top of the world. That feeling is only heightened when the opening band comes on stage, and throughout the concert when more fans start filing in, and headbang, and mosh. I'm at Axel's side the entire time, and his hands are all over my body, and he is all over my mind. 

We're exhausted by the time we drive home and get into the apartment. Luci is already sleeping, so we tiptoe through the living room to our bedroom. Axel flicks on the lamp and turns to me in surprise when I strip out of my sweaty band tee. I grin and chuck it at him. He takes his off at chucks it at me and I attack him for it, shoving him down onto the bed and crawling on top of him. 

I can feel him through his pants, and he doesn't stop me from rubbing my hand down his stomach and between his legs. Instead, he brings my mouth down onto his and runs his fingers through my hair down to my back, unbuckling my bra. 

I kiss him passionately as we slip out of our clothes and under the sheets, his hands gentle yet rough against my body. We shut the lights off and kiss some more until we're completely naked under the warm covers, and Axel slips inside of me. 

All of a sudden I just want to stop. I'm horrified. My chest burns, and I realize that I'm crying only moments before Axel does too, and he stops grinding into me, and turns the lamp back on. 

The face I can see through the tears is scared and confused and apologetic. I hate myself for it. He's only been good to me. We had such a good day. It's his birthday too! And yet here I am, ruining it all. 

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asks me, crawling off of the bed to lean over me as he wipes my eyes with his thumbs. "What did I do? Did I hurt you?" 

I shake my head. 

"We don't have to do this," he says, "if you didn't want to you just had to tell me." 

I nod, covering my face with my hands. 

"I'm so sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I did." 

I draw him closer and manage to force out, "I love you Axel. And I'm terrified of you." 

"I love you too," he whispers. "I'm not going to hurt you." 

I nod again. I want to believe it, but sometimes we don't have control over those things until they've already happened. 

I cover my pathetic face with my hands as Axel lets me go and pulls on a pair of pants. I roll onto my side, still naked, and bury my face into the pillows, shutting off the light so Axel can't see me cry because of him.

"Can I still hold you?" he asks as he gets into the other side of the bed.

"Yes," I whisper, and welcome his arms around my shaking body. 

Soon, his gentle, comforting breaths against my skin hush me to sleep.