Keep An Open Mind {Lynn Gunn}

27) Watching. Waiting. Aching. Suffocating. Breathing. Speaking. Screaming.

Do you ever feel like everything you are is wrong and unfixable?
Do you ever feel like nothing's worth it anymore?
Do you ever feel like they ripped your heart out of your chest and it just dropped down a hole?

Do you ever feel like you're starting to care about things that used to mean nothing to you?

Perfect, that's the exact mixture of what I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead but no, I'm never going to bring myself to that. Death is never the answer and you should never think of it and honestly, if you start considering that you should tell someone and open up to them, let them help you.

I know, I'm not a fan of therapies either, but sometimes telling someone else what you're going through helps, and I admit it.

Anyway, I don't know if hiding here feeling numb and lonely and drowning in self-pity for what seems like forever is a good idea, but in my head it sounded acceptable and decent when I was about to have a breakdown in front of my parents.

This was the situation: It was 3am or so, and raining by about twenty minutes straight whilst I was sitting on the floor outside, in the corner of the stable. Yes, my uncle's stable. If you're wondering how I got there well it's simple, I ran. It's a relief that I'm slender and fast, otherwise I probably wouldn't have made it 'til here. But I think I needed that apparently endless run to make up my mind and clear the thoughts in my head.

After the argument with my mother I tried to sleep it off and get it over with, but I woke up late night, changed my clothes and ran straight here. At first I thought I was over it, I thought everything would be fine. But then all the comments and whispers my parents exchanged behind my back, not knowing I was listening, rose to the top and I just lost it.

I had my head between my knees, my arms hugging my legs tightly, and I was breathing out small clouds from the cold. I took off my black boots and wiped the tears from my face, leaning my head on the hard wall.
No one knew where I was nor was I planning on calling my parents or telling Jenna.

About the rain... I didn't mind getting wet. I've always liked the rain, mostly the slight drops but I was okay with this. It wasn't like there was going to be a thunderstorm and I didn't care about getting a cold or a temperature, it wasn't like me to care about my health at all. I guess I stopped taking care of myself years ago, when my love/excitement over life started fading.

It was weird, I usually didn't let myself down because of my parents' words. Actually, because of no one's words. I had been bullied hard, several times, but I had never been this bad. I don't know what changed, I was probably just tired of being told I needed to change. That might be the problem, I did NOT want to change.

Deep in our heart we know we can all grow up, be more mature, but change? That's a huge bullshit. People never fully change, they start acting a bit differently but in the basis we're still the same.

You can cut the leaves of a plant, you can cut off the stem, but you can't cut off the root too, cause that's underground and if you try to take it in the wrong way, it will ruin the plant. Simple as that!

Despite my pride told me to lay here alone as long as possible, my brain was taking an opposite direction. I pulled out my phone and sniffled a final time before dialing Brian's number.

"Bootyman here." He answered and I rolled my eyes.

"Brian." I thought for a few seconds realizing I actually didn't know what to say. I didn't want it to sound like 'help me, I'm poor' or something like that. I didn't want his pity or his help. I just wanted him to... I don't know, cheer me up a bit? I wasn't asking the right person though.