Book Two - Just Enjoying My Life.... Right? (Completed)

Chapter 14

Hi everyone! Huge apologies for the delay. With a mixture of being unwell and busy, I just haven't had time. Anyway, here's chapter 14 for your enjoyment. Prepare for another rollercoaster ride.

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Ricardo smiles in satisfaction, moves away from me and lights a cigarette. Propping myself up I stare at him uncomfortably. I’m in shock and can’t make any sense of what just happened. Obviously sensing me staring, he looks across and winks at me. Sleaze. He holds out a cigarette and I shake my head. I don’t want to get cancer, thank you very much. As he lights it up I take it as my cue to get out of the car.

The cold air hits me and suddenly it all comes flooding back. Oh god. I didn’t just... no I can’t have! I don’t do that sort of thing! As I look back at the car my stomach drops and I shake my head in despair. In the car of all places? And in a dark alleyway? Goddammit what the hell is wrong with me?

As the feeling of guilt gnaws away at me, I suddenly feel like I need to vomit. I scramble away from the car and collapse next to a dumpster, vomiting on the ground. It looks as though someone else threw up here recently too although it’s all dry and crusty. Gross. This only makes it worse and I swear I’m going to vomit my stomach up any second now. It’s the sound of Ricardo’s car speeding off that finally makes me stop. Once again I’m left defenceless on the side of the road. Bastard!

Then again, I let myself get into this situation, didn’t I?

Thinking back on the last few moments I try and piece things together. It was like my whole body was taken over by someone else. What happened, happened to someone else, not me and I was just the onlooker. It was like those dreams where you’re standing outside looking in on yourself. But this isn’t a dream is it? This is real. I just cheated on Sam.

This thought makes me vomit again. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. He doesn’t deserve someone as useless as me - a girl who has suddenly forgotten who she is and what she wants. There is something really wrong with me yet every time I think I know what it is, I realise I have no idea. I’m not a floozy, I’m not a cheater, I don’t treat boyfriends like this yet for some reason with Sam, I’m every one of those. Why? In god’s name why am I like this? What’s wrong with me?

Unable to answer my own questions, I pick myself up from the ground and drag my sorry ass away from the dark alleyway. I have no idea where I am or where the hotel is so I just walk. It’s like déjà vu although this time it’s 10 times worse. It’s still early in the evening, only just after eight but it feels so much later. Despite being dressed in the warmest clothes I now own, it’s still so cold. My body aches from the cold and it feels I’ve been in a freezer for 100 years. On top of that is my emotional pain. All in all I feel pretty rotten. I’m in so much pain both physically and emotionally I just want to curl up in a ball and die. That’s too easy though, I must suffer. I must punish myself.

I’m such a bad person. I’ve just done the most unforgiveable thing and with no understanding why. I’m not unhappy with Sam yet for some reason I’ve developed these fears of commitment. I never feared commitment before now. It shouldn’t lead me to do such a thing yet it has.

As I walk I feel like my legs are lead weights. I can’t stop crying, my whole body aches and all I can think about is what a horrible person I am. Sam needs to know what I’ve done, I won’t delay anymore. I will lose him for good, I realise that, but after all this I deserve to. He can do so much better than me.

Somehow I end up back at the hotel and as I arrive, Nancy and Jason walk out. They spot me and their faces cross with anger. I fully expect them to ignore me but they don’t. They approach me and I wait for the scolding.