I Can't Kill Him [Akabane Karma]

50 | Safe

Is this the right decision?

Cold sweat rolls down from my forehead as I took a deep breath and I hesitated to pull the trigger. It all came down to this. My decision to pull it would affect the outcome of this incident. Someone is bound to be hurt. Nothing can change that.

Would this really make everything better?

I was so sure just moments ago, yet now I was thinking of things like if I was gone... Would Karma be happy?

I focused my gaze on the red-haired boy I loved so much. Since when did these feelings blossom? Maybe since we met... Was that why his red hair was so peculiar to me? It reminded me of the past, but at that point, I still had not remembered about him.

He'd probably be upset for a while... But I am sure he would be able to move on as time passes. I reassured myself, trying to convince myself to pull it, yet I could not. Was there still something holding me back?

Now that I thought of it, maybe these feelings have been in me ever since I was a child, but I never cared about it because of my job that made me forget what love was. I thought of it as something silly and unnecessary, but now... All because he came back into my life... They make me feel so complete. Even without my other half, it felt like I would be all right.

I looked towards my sister who was staring at me in shock. Her eyes were widened and her hands were shaking. My sister, who I had been frantic to save for the past year. Now I know that it was for self-satisfaction. I wanted her back so I would not be alone, but with him in my life, it did not feel as important. However, she was still someone vital in my life. If possible, I would not want to leave her alone and she would feel how I felt for the past year. She would be alone and incomplete. Slowly, she mustered the courage to stutter, "Y-You can't... You can't do that..." Her words shook in fear and it caused me to soften my gaze.

She was afraid too. Afraid to lose me. Just as I was to her. Ever since we were kids, all we had was each other. We had no one else in this dark world.

"Ne, Hari-chan, if possible I wouldn't want to do this. But I really can't choose. This is all because of my indecisiveness." I gave her a reassuring smile, trying to calm her down and started to spew everything I was thinking. "I can't do this... Choosing between the two people I cherish so much. That's too hard of a decision for me. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

"NO!" Hari-chan screamed and charged at me. She grabbed both of my arms and separated the gun from my forehead. "I won't let you kill yourself! Haru-nee, this is just like you! You always run away and think of bizarre ways to solve problems. If you killed yourself... What would I do?! I'd be all alone... I don't want that..."

"Hari-chan..."

That's right... All I've done is run away... Even back then...

"I don't want to remember!"

But what else can I do? I gritted my teeth and tightened my grip on my gun.

I seriously don't know... Even Hari-chan does not want me to leave her... Same with me... I don't know what I would do if she died back then. I wouldn't want to make her all alone with those parents of ours... But...

"I don't know what else to do... I love both of you so much..." I cried as tears rolled down my cheek. Maybe if we were back to a year ago, I would have probably killed him without a second thought, but meeting him, made me have so many new experiences... Giving me feelings I didn't know I would ever have...