next door » joshler [book #1]

twenty eight » the past

he wakes up to the sound of pvris blasting through the apartment. namely, his favorite song, fire.

"tyler?" he calls sleepily after noticing the lack of him in the bed.

"yeah?" tyler comes twirling into the room precariously holding a cup of coffee. "this is for you."

coffee, favorite music...

"thanks," josh mumbles. "are you trying to wake the neighbors or something? the music's loud."

tyler shrugs. he's grinning. "i like this song."

"...of course you do," josh answers, biting his lip and accepting the coffee. "are you trying to make me stay?"

tyler's smile fades.

"yes."

well, that was obvious. josh clicks his tongue and takes a sip of the coffee. "if you want me to."

"--sorry?" tyler's chocolate eyes widen. "josh?" he sort of collapses onto the bed. "d-d'you really mean it?"

"course." josh smiles, and even though it doesn't quite reach his eyes, tyler accepts it. "why wouldn't i want to stay?"

tyler takes the coffee from him and sets it on the nightstand, proceeding to tackle the boy in a massive hug. "thank you, thank you, thank you!" he cries, arms flung around josh's neck.

josh pulls back. "look, i want you to know i'm still massively pissed at you. and i probably won't trust you for a while." he smiles. "but you expected that, right?"

he watches his boyfriend falter. "--right. of course i did." he lets go of josh and rolls over to curl up against his side. "i'm sorry," he mumbles, words muffled against the blanket. 

"i know you are, but anyone can say 'i'm sorry'. you've got to mean it."

tyler pops up in frustration, his face red and upset. "i do mean it! i keep telling you! --but you don't fucking believe me!"

the room goes cold. pretty much. you can feel the temperature drop. josh grits his teeth and then answers, "i do believe you, but words don't mean shit. you've already lied to me. you've broken my trust. and-- look, i don't know whether i just seem to attract these sort of people, or whatever, but-" he takes a deep breath. "last year, i had a boyfriend. his name was- his name doesn't matter. but he liked me, a lot. and then, i found out he was cheating on me. whatever, right? it was an accident. i forgave him, and then he- he changed. he started going out a lot more, but restricting me. i'd get up to go to my friend's house and he'd ask me where i was going, then tell me i wasn't allowed. and he was still cheating on me."

tyler stares, open mouthed, indignant. "but you know i'd never do that."

"who knows? he seemed like a nice fellow. just cheated once, accidentally, then broke down and confessed it at three in the morning. the change didn't happen until nearly a month later."

it's obvious that tyler's growing angry. "but i'm not like him! you know i'm not!"

"look, tyler, the point of my story is- he was respectable. he worked in a business. he'd leave with a suit and tie and briefcase, work, and then get home and-" josh falters, voice dropping. "and he'd hit me. he abused me. and i- i thought it was normal, that i deserved it. and no one knew what was going on, because they couldn't see him as the type of person to do that."

and the tears start coming. and they don't stop coming. tyler watches him double over and start shaking, sobbing into his palms. and tyler doesn't do anything.

"i'm sorry," josh whispers after a moment, straightening up and wiping his face. he looks pathetic. "i hope you- you understand."

tyler shrugs. "sure."

there's no sincerity in his words.