next door » joshler [book #1]

thirty four » letters

josh has work today.

tyler bids him farewell and even manages to hug him, although the feel of someone else's skin on his leaves him shaking. josh doesn't notice, though. that's alright. tyler doesn't want to be a burden.

he's staying home today, and he curls up under a blanket on the bed, staring outside. this bed... he remembers the last time josh wasn't here, when tyler ended up with his blood on the sheets and only one thing on his mind. regret.

god, he regrets everything. sometimes it'll be just visiting jenna- but sometimes he'll regret having let josh sleep in his apartment that night. that very first night.

this is all because of that stupid fucking spider.

tyler half heartedly rolls over, reluctant to get out of bed, but the apartment is too silent without music, or without josh.

speaking of, didn't they have a band to start?

tyler forgoes the music and sits down with his notebook, words flowing from the tip of the pen. he writes. it's like there was a dam in his head, and now it's split, and everything's pouring out.

but that also means he's drowning.

word after word. it becomes- not quite tedious, but tyler ends up not even thinking as he lets the words spill. not even stopping when a cramp twitches through his hand and he accidently slashes an 'o' he's written.

hellø.

he sets the pen down and regards what he's written.

the words are interesting, but he keeps coming back that last word. hellø, it says, seeming to taunt him. like there's a deeper meaning to it, and he can't quite- like when you drop something behind a couch, and you're desperately straining for it, your fingers brushing the edge of it- and you can't fucking get it. that's what it feels like.

and he writes again.

i knøw where yøu stand is the first new sentence. the crossed o's are an accident at first, but soon enough he sees the real meaning. god, he's been so blind.

silent, in the trees.

and that's where i am.

silent, in the trees.

why wønt yøu speak

where i happen tø be?

silent, in the trees

standing cøwardly.

"josh," he mutters aloud, and the pen slips from his fingers, landing with a muted clatter onto the floor. "fuck. fuck, josh-" and he grabs for his phone, dials the familiar number almost desperately.

"tyler? i'm at work." josh's voice is curious and surprised. "did you want something?"

and tyler can feel the words rising up and catching in his throat. he wills himself to say them- say it, you idiot, you coward, say it!- "no," he croaks instead. "no, never mind... could you get some of that tea you like on the way home? we're out."

stupid, stupid, stupid. tell him what you mean, tyler. he doesn't have to suffer from this- from having a stupid boyfriend who can't even say the words 'i love you' unless he's stoned off his face.

he'll tell josh when he gets home.

it's so easy to make promises to yourself, tyler thinks, because no one gets upset if you break it.

//when ur teacher plays part of goner in class and u start crying//