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23 - A Complete Mess

All right, Cara, process. This is not a drill - I repeat, this is not a drill.

I can't do it, I just can't. Not on my own. I mean, I know I'm the only one that can make the decision in the end, but I need advice and to talk to people and get their opinions, and I have to speak to the guys and get their thoughts because if they don't approve then the whole idea is dead in the water and any other discussion would be completely moot and - oh, okay, feeling dizzy - I need to breathe. In, out, in, out.

"Where to, love?" Wait, what? Who said that? Taxi driver - how the hell did I get in a taxi when only a second ago I was in Patrick's office? I shook my head to clear it - much good that did me - but at least it worked to give me access to my address information, which I passed on to the driver in a voice that sounded small and squeaky. No, don't even start to think about what would happen if that were the voice that came out of me in front of hundreds of people. No! Don't think it, I said! Oh good Lord.

What was that breathing pattern again? Oh yes; in, out, in...

Focus. I need to focus. Actually, I feel like I need Valium. I waste a few precious moments wondering how and where to get some at this time of night, or if I know anyone who would have some. And now I think about it...no, it's way too late to visit anyone - check watch; yes, it's half after midnight - but I could contact the guys, they'll still be awake. I rang Rick first and explained it to him, not entirely sure if I felt relieved or more anxious after he congratulated me and told me to go for it. Marcus's reaction was pretty much the same but I hesitated before calling Jake and at that point we arrived at my flat. Thanking and paying the driver, I hauled myself out of there and down the path, unlocking my door and entering in something of a daze.

A vision appeared in front of my eyes of me on stage in front of a large number of people. 'A much larger crowd' Eleanor had said - why didn't I think to ask her how many tickets had been sold? Or even where the venue was, that would give me an idea; is it a pub or small theatre or - God forbid - large stadium? No, it can't be a pub; she wouldn't need an opening act for that. Oh, heck, where are the aliens when you need to be abducted? Or the SS Enterprise when you want to be beamed up, Scotty?

Hey, I finally made a Star Trek reference instead of Star Wars! I must tell Ben. Should I call him? No, I'd rather tell him in person. Not the Star Trek thing, the Eleanor thing. You knew that already, right? Okay. Plus, I'm pretty sure I know what he would say anyway.

You're procrastinating, Cara, you have to call Jake. Do not put it off. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200. Dammit.

"Hey." Well, that's a good start; at least he's talking to me. For now.

"Hey Jake. Sorry to call so late, but I...um...I have something I need to run by you." I paused to allow a response but there wasn't one. Great. "I need you to be totally honest - no holes barred, just tell me exactly how you feel about it, okay?"

"Sure."

If I'm being honest, I had fully expected him to (a) be totally opposed to the idea and (b) tell me I was being selfish to even think of doing something on my own without the three of them. No, wait - maybe that's just me projecting my own thoughts on to him. Well, anyway, the point is, I was completely taken aback by what he actually did say.

"Cara, why are you hesitating for even one second? You should have told her yes the instant she asked you."

"What?"

"This is an amazing opportunity for you and you totally deserve it. I don't understand why you're stalling."

What?

"Who are you and what have you done with my friend Jake?" I'm only half joking.

"Maybe I've been listening to some advice I was given recently, about caring more about someone else rather than myself." That slug hit me right in the chest. Oh jeez.

"Jake..."

"I gotta go. Do it Cara." And with that, he disconnected and I was left with my mouth wide open in shock, holding a silent phone to my ear.

Well, heck.

---

After a restless night tossing and turning, I go to the wisest person I know.

"It is singing, cara mia, you've been doing that your whole life. Our Heavenly Father would not have gifted you with that voice if He did not intend for you to sing."

"Singing to small audiences, sure. Does He intend for me to sing to hundreds?" The thought makes me come out in goose bumps.

"You sang at your cousin Mario's wedding; that was three hundred people."

"They were family, nonna, they wouldn't boo me if I sang off-key or forgot the words." Well, my side of the family wouldn't have; the bride's relatives were a whole other matter.

"Is that what you are afraid of child - failing? Or are you afraid that you will not fail?"

Her words sounded eerily familiar. "Have you been talking to Sean Connery, nonna?"

"Eh?"

"Niente." (Nothing.)

We were in the kitchen of my grandparents' flat; nonna was washing up the breakfast things and I was drying and putting away. The rhythmic familiarity of that routine household chore would normally have been soothing, but today there was just too much on my mind.

Okay, time for a pros and cons list. Starting the cons list is easy; fear of failure is numero uno. I ponder nonna's words and wonder if I should put fear of success on there as well. Ben had asked me once if I wouldn't like to be more successful and sing to larger audiences and I'd avoided the question - now the opportunity was right in front of me and I still wasn't sure how I felt about it.

I am a creature of habit. I like being close to my family and up until the whole debacle with Jake, I had been enjoying the friendship I had with the guys as well. Playing at Donoghues and Bob's every week was familiar and easy. It was safe.

Well, seriously Cara, what do you expect? You've been playing it safe most of your life, sticking with the familiar - and you don't need a shrink to know the reason why.

I sighed. No, I know only too well why I have felt uncertain and insecure about change since I was a child. More specifically, since the day my mother walked out our door without a single backward glance.

I headed home with only two hours until I needed to let Eleanor know my decision. My nonna's parting words were still ringing in my ears as I sat on the train, "Cara, is it better to regret failing or to regret never having the courage to try at all? This is your decision, cara mia, you must do what it is your heart tells you to do, and then you must live with your decision. Ti amo. Ho fede in te." (I love you. I have faith in you.)

Once home, I paced the floor for an hour before I finally dug the business card out of my bag and called Eleanor.