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26 - What If

"Is Jake going to Dublin as well?"

And just like that, the thoughts that I had firmly and determinedly pushed out of my mind since Saturday afternoon resurfaced.

"No."

The fact that I had thought about what might have happened had Jake declared his feelings for me sooner, before I met Ben, confused me and I still wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"Cara?"

I realised I'd missed something Ben had said. "Sorry?"

"I asked if you want Jake to be there."

Well, that's the sixty four thousand pound question. "Professionally," I began, after a moment's thought, "yes; another set of strings would round out the sound nicely, especially on a couple of songs." Don't ask the next question, Ben, please. Don't ask.

"And personally?" Dammit, you asked.

So what did I do? I hesitated, that's what. Not the best idea I've ever had. "I...I don't know."

Ben sat up straighter in his chair and fixed an inscrutable look on his face. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It's not supposed to mean anything; what is does mean is that I don't know if I want him there or not. You asked, I answered." Keep it cool, Cara, you don't need to be having an argument about this. We were - or had been, up until that point - enjoying a cup of tea after I'd whipped us up my favourite breakfast; ironically, eggs Benedict. Outside it looked like becoming a warm, sunny day but the temperature in here had turned decidedly chilly in the last few seconds.

His cup clattered back into the saucer, making me wince. His face remained impassive. "I see."

Feel free to enlighten me, then, because I have no idea. "Ben..."

His chair scraped back and he took his dirty dishes over to the sink, muttering, "I have to get to work."

Oh crap. I stood up as well. "What do you want me to say? That I don't want him there because the situation between us is still awkward? Yes, that's true. Or that I do want him there because he's one of my oldest friends and his support would mean a lot? That's true too. So the answer to your question is exactly what I said, because right now I'm confused. I promised you honesty and that's what you got."

Liar, liar, pants on fire! Well, not lying exactly but certainly not telling the complete truth about what was confusing me right now. My head was thumping with the huge battle being waged inside it, my conscience telling me I should uphold my promise while every instinct I had was screaming 'Danger, Will Robinson!'

I did at least have enough sense to realise that I had sounded angry or defensive or some combination of both. Back up girl! "That may have sounded a little...snarky. I didn't mean it to be, I'm sorry. You asked a perfectly valid question."

The glance he threw me was impossible to interpret, his nod neither conciliatory nor dismissive. "Okay," was all he said as he continued collecting his things.

I sighed inwardly, casting around in my head for something else to say and walking after him as he opened the door. "Ben..." He turned and I raked my eyes over his face, trying to get even a hint of what he was thinking or feeling but dammit, the man is not a world-class actor for nothing; I couldn't read his expression at all. I sighed again. "I love you."

"I know," he said, and I barely had time to think 'Star Wars reference!' before he was striding down the path and away from me.

Without saying it back.